We had another “Town Hall” meeting at work last week concerning the layoffs and were told that 18 people were being let go that very day. We were also told (sort of…they didn’t come right out and say) that the original timeline is being pushed out some because the wonderful people in India who are now doing my job aren’t doing as well as expected. DUH!!! So the last wave of layoffs could go as late as June but nothing is definite. How’s that for stringing us along? So yeah, I’m still in limbo and just have to play the “ride it out” game. This is NOT fun.

I had previously posted about having applied for other positions within the company and figured they didn’t want me because I hadn’t heard anything about it. Well I was right as confirmed by my supervisor. When we had our annual reviews and raises last year (August?) I didn’t get a raise and my review was “unsatisfactory” because my numbers were down. My numbers were down because of the atmosphere I was working in and I had spoken to my supervisor about it several times with no resolution. FINALLY I was moved to another seat in a quieter area and my work improved dramatically. Anyway, because of that “unsatisfactory” review I WAS NOT even being considered for any of the positions I had applied for as I thought. Now she tells me that a mid term review (for those of us who originally got bad reviews) was excellent and I now WILL be considered for any positions I apply for…except now there are currently no positions available. Gee thanks for nothing. I basically told her that I was no longer interested. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I guess I’ll just do my time and take the layoff when it comes. What’s the worst that could happen? I could lose my house (which is everything I have) and my excellent credit rating will be in the toilet but I think at this point that is okay. Take everything away and I’ll have no more worries. That will make it easier to go.

Mom and I were talking about Christmas which as of this writing is only 11 days away and realized that neither of us seem to care about it. I realized that there is nothing I want…at least nothing I can have.

MY CHRISTMAS LIST:

I want this desert nightmare over with. I want this noose called a house out from around my neck. It’s just tight enough to cut off my breathing some but not quite tight enough to finish the job and give me peace. I want it over.

I want my old life back but have come to realize that I will NEVER have it again. Even after Mom is gone and I’m back on my own it won’t be the same because I’m not the same person I was almost 7 years ago when I came out to this hell on earth on a promise that didn’t exist. All the things I once enjoyed no longer mean anything to me, all the things I thought were real have revealed themselves to be just another lie. Even spending time on the computer means nothing. All it is for me is a sometimes distraction from the hurt, but even when I can achieve the distraction it’s only fleeting.

I want peace in my heart, mind and soul. I want all the bad things that I thought I had previously banished from my head to go away again. But I don’t think I’ll be able to get rid of them this time. They’ve got too deep a hold now and I can feel how deeply they’ve dug in but for the moment I don’t have the freedom to give them what they want because I’m stupid enough to still, after everything that’s gone on, think of and put other people first. I can’t leave Mom alone, especially out here.

I want the fear to go away. The fear of what is around every corner both literal and figurative. The fear of imposing myself on other people when it’s clear they don’t want me. The fear of what happens if I ask for something (respect? consideration? love?) that I obviously do not deserve nor have any right to. The fear of overstepping the boundries that have been set for me by other people. The fear of the future because I don’t have one iota of control over anything that happens.

I want the blackness that’s inside of me all the time now to go back to gray like it used to be.

So Santa, can you help me out with any of this? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Mom and I were talking the other day and I was VERY pleased to hear that she has finally and for real accepted the truth of our situation here in the desert hellhole we are stuck in. She admitted that she knows that not only are we hopelessly out of place here but that we are not really wanted here. I’ve known for a while why we were “asked” to move out here and the selfishness of the reasons was heartbreaking but now Mom gets it. We are here for someone else’s convenience…because it made things easier for someone, certainly not for me as things are worse for me here than they were back home.

X Marks The Spot

Back home I was losing it fast but at least there was family support. I know I could count on my mother’s sisters to be there if needed whereas out here I don’t believe I can count on mine to be there, as least not in a way that I would need. I realize that she has a right to her own life but sometimes family obligations DO need to be met whether we like it or not. But I guess that’s water under the bridge now since I don’t think I even care anymore. I’ve accepted that I’m on my own with things and will deal as best I can but it will be the proverbial “last nail in my coffin”. With the way I now feel it’s as if I’ve already died and just need to allow my body to lie down which, if things continue the way they are, will be very soon. That’s a promise.

Anyway back to the original point of the post…Mom knows we need to go home and we have been discussing it. With her though it’ll be a drawn out drama filled thing but it’s become reality and for me that’s a positive thing.