Muted Lunacy

You are browsing the archives of 2006 September.

I’m suffocating and really can’t take much more. I’m doing my best to hold on but I’m having a really hard time. The constant sense of “bad” has gotten to be all comsuming. There is no outlet for it anymore and the resulting overload is taking it’s toll. I need some [...]

Today is my birthday. A birthday is supposed to be a sort of celebration of life. I don’t find this anything to celebrate.

“The Mask”
The mask I wear is many. I can be what you want me to be. You say jump, I say how high. I do not wish to cause trouble, only wish to please. You ask me how I’m doing, I say just fine, no reason to bother you with my troubles. The world sees [...]

How do I explain the fear? It’s constant and it’s black. It’s loud and obnoxious and cruel. It twists in my gut and it chills me to the bone and it paralyzes. It pounds and it screams. And it doesn’t ever go away.
So then how do I continue [...]

This should be a good month for me because it’s my birthday. That would be true in a normal world, but remember this is MY WORLD. And it’s in no way normal. So what that brings me to is that this month is a bad month for me because it’s my birthday. [...]

Once again it was made clear to me - Never count on ANYTHING. You will always be disappointed and let down. I know I’m being soooooo brattily selfish and I’m sorry, but I’m just so sick and tired of it. Promises mean nothing. Who cares if they break their promises to you. You’ll get over [...]

Okay, so I’ve got a few minutes to myself so I guess I’ll give you all the rundown on my life (please pretend to be interested - someone has to be).
I’ve always been a standoffish, loner type person. All my life. It’s been a constant source of dischord within my family. Actually I should say [...]

*How can I possibly deal with someone else’s paranoia when I haven’t even conquered my own?
*How can I accept and live peacefully with the fact that my life is controlled by the opinions of outside people? And why are the opinions of these people more important than me?
*How come, in my every thought [...]

A thought occured to me today that when this whole thing started, and by that I mean when my mother moved in with me and I lost all semblance of any control I might have had over my life, I was waiting for the day that I could have my life back. I realized [...]