How do I explain the fear? It’s constant and it’s black. It’s loud and obnoxious and cruel. It twists in my gut and it chills me to the bone and it paralyzes. It pounds and it screams. And it doesn’t ever go away.

So then how do I continue to live with it? And why?

This should be a good month for me because it’s my birthday. That would be true in a normal world, but remember this is MY WORLD. And it’s in no way normal. So what that brings me to is that this month is a bad month for me because it’s my birthday. And because it’s the month my mother moved in with me thereby totally invalidating me as an adult human being. I literally ceased to be a person. Amazing really. And I think maybe I have to agree with that because a real person would be in control of their lives (no matter what the outcome was, it would be their call). But I’m not and I think I’m partly to blame for that. How can I expect others to take me seriously or to take my feelings into consideration when I myself don’t. For instance, instead of me just coming out and telling my mother that she needs to back off and leave me the fuck alone I usually just keep my mouth shut because it’s easier and because I know she would take whatever I say wrong and be hurt. I don’t like to hurt people, and that’s why I also don’t just tell my sister that she needs to take more on where mom is concerned. She needs to take mom once in a blue moon for a few days and give me some quality time so I can catch my breath and regroup. But I don’t say that because I don’t want to start trouble or be the cause of trouble in her marriage. I worry about that specifically because I was warned by my cousin before we even moved out here not to do anything to hurt her relationship (fuck the fact that *I* am being destroyed though) and my sister has said herself that nothing will come between them. So the outcome is that she gets to live her life as she wants with minimum help for me and I live in a daily hell, partly of my own making because I won’t stand up for myself. What a fucking grimm dilemma.

So again I ask: how can I expect other people to consider me when I don’t? I realized that I put other people’s feelings before I do my own. I’d rather hurt myself than someone else. That’s pathetic and I don’t know how to change it.

Once again it was made clear to me – Never count on ANYTHING. You will always be disappointed and let down. I know I’m being soooooo brattily selfish and I’m sorry, but I’m just so sick and tired of it. Promises mean nothing. Who cares if they break their promises to you. You’ll get over it. For the most part I’ve learned over the years not to count too heavily on things, but it stings just the same.

I’m just so fucking discouraged.