Okay, so I’ve got a few minutes to myself so I guess I’ll give you all the rundown on my life (please pretend to be interested – someone has to be).

I’ve always been a standoffish, loner type person. All my life. It’s been a constant source of dischord within my family. Actually I should say just with my mother, my sister is actually very cool and accepting of my behavior.

Anyway, all through my childhood and teenage years I pretty much just quietly moved along in the background. Did what I wanted and basically learned to fend for myself. I got really good at it too. Eventually I moved out on my own, to another state from where my family is based. Had to do it. The usual battles over the years with the family over my, shall we say lack of interest in joining in life. I basically became a recluse. It’s the only way that I know how to deal. I work full time, so that is plently of (forced) human interaction everyday. I’ll talk more about work at another time, it’s a story in itself. Now I know my Mother loves me and I love her (that is actually up for debate right now), but she doesn’t know when to stop. She never paid much attention to my comings and goings when I was growing up, my sister was pretty wild and Mom was concerned with that, but after my sister and I grew up and went out on our own Mom decided that she was going to start being a “mommy” to me. That is not what I need especially at this point in my life. I’m an adult, leave me alone. You have to understand, Mom has an opinion on everything. That in itself is not necessarily bad, but when she insists that her opinions and views are right and everyone else is wrong that’s where the problems start. And to add to the fun, about 5 years ago Mom moved in with me. Into my home, my routine, my sanctuary. I am trying my best to be patient and understanding but she just won’t stop. She questions everything that I do, don’t do and assumes she knows what I’m thinking and feeling. She would surely freak if she did know what I was thinking and feeling. Hence this journal, I can get things out here and maybe just maybe be able to maintain control of my reactions. Of course if I sit here typing for too long I get things like…”What are you doing in there so long?” or “Do you always have to be sitting in front of that thing?”. Again, I know these things don’t seem so bad but if you remember I’ve spent my life not really answering to anyone. She can’t understand or accept my misanthropic ways, so of course to her that means I’m wrong. She doesn’t realize that my staying by myself is the only way that I know how to keep control of my hostile and often violent thoughts and reactions to things. I hate having my every move questioned and analyzed. Just leave me alone, you ignored me most of my life so don’t start invading me now. I am so afraid that I’m going to say something I shouldn’t. It’s always right below the surface. My only relief these days is either being on the computer (Mom is pretty computer illiterate and really not interested), or sleeping. Of course if I say that I want to go to sleep, or even just go into my room, and she doesn’t feel it’s an appropriate time I hear about it. I can’t believe that as an adult I’m back to seeking asylum in my room, just like when I was growing up. Except that when I was growing up I had basic freedom and privacy.

Oh well, I guess that’s enough for now.

And thanks for listening.

*How can I possibly deal with someone else’s paranoia when I haven’t even conquered my own?
*How can I accept and live peacefully with the fact that my life is controlled by the opinions of outside people? And why are the opinions of these people more important than me?
*How come, in my every thought and deed, I’m always wrong?
*How can I play the game successfully if no one will tell me what the rules are?

If there are any answers to these questions I would love to hear them. Knowing would make my life easier. It’s getting harder and harder these days to keep my promise of not ending me just yet. I seem to fuck up even when I’m just quietly going about my life in my own home. Can you imagine how stupid I am because I opened the windows for some fresh air and didn’t make my bed first? I mean of course the people next door are going to be hanging out in their house looking through the windows into mine because after all we are that important. Of course everyone in the world is going to go out of their way to do things to us and such just because we are who we are. NOT. Unless you are the narcissistic paranoid that is my mother. But since she believes these things are true then they have to be to me or I get reminded of how stupid I am.

I know this entry doesn’t really make any sense but you don’t live here. Be glad of that.

A thought occured to me today that when this whole thing started, and by that I mean when my mother moved in with me and I lost all semblance of any control I might have had over my life, I was waiting for the day that I could have my life back. I realized today that now, 5 years in, I’m just waiting for the time that I can…stop. Find blessed relief from having to be. See my mother is the last hurdle. I won’t do anything while she’s still around for many reasons. Mostly because I feel that this current situation is karma come to collect. This is my debt to pay and once it’s done then I’m free from all other family obligations. Family isn’t here for me now when I need them most so that’s it. Show’s over. I do mourn the loss of what I thought the relationship with my sister was, what it could have been. But you can’t dictate how other people think, act or feel. And although the loss of that relationship (maybe I should say the loss of the illusion (delusion?) of the relationship) is I think the single biggest and most hurtful disappointment of my life, I will manage.