Another Monday morning and the familiar feeling of dread that it brings is here. Any bets on how many times I’ll cry today? Or experience that internal fit of rage? Or want to explode? Or want to hurt myself or even someone else? Or run away screaming, or just scream?

I don’t know either, but I’ll see if I can keep count.

What does “being there” for someone really mean?

To me it means that sometimes you actually have to put yourself out for them. Do something you really don’t want to do, but know it will be best for them. Unfortunately I think I’m alone in feeling that because as I’ve discovered (much too late), the people around me, my family…the ones I should be able to count on…are NOT there for me now that I really need it. Sure they think they’re helping but they are only going as far as they feel comfortable (“if you want to talk blah blah blah”…um no thanks, talking about it only reinforces the rage I have inside).

I’ve laid out for my sister what I need and she basically refuses to consider giving it to me. The result is that I feel that I am completely alone and if that’s the case then I want it to be real. Don’t call me, don’t come around and don’t ask me to be around. Plain and simple. Leave me the fuck alone. All these years you’ve had your life the way you want it and I haven’t because YOU have decided that the responsibility of OUR mother is to be mine alone and frankly I resent the fuck out of that. And in case you haven’t noticed, I am not a forgiving person. I may let you get away with things for a while but I don’t forget and I don’t forgive. Ever. As I said earlier although you have your life the way you want it, you no longer have your sister. I hope your life is all you want it to be.

Okay so as you can see I’ve made some major changes here. I can never seem to settle on one thing so…

I don’t really know exactly what I’m trying to accomplish and I’m sure that’s more than a little frustrating for people and I’m sorry. But until I can get things straight in my mind that’s the way it’s gonna be I’m afraid.

I have so much to say I think, but can never get it coherent enough to actually put down in writing. I would love to be able to get it all out but that’s just not happening yet. I just know that having had my life put on hold for the past 6 years has taken it’s toll. But the reality is that my life is gone now and it’s never coming back. Even when (if?) I once again regain control of me things will never be the same. And that kind of breaks my heart.

But at least my family has things the way they want them and are happy. And that’s all that matters, right?