Mom and I were talking about Christmas which as of this writing is only 11 days away and realized that neither of us seem to care about it. I realized that there is nothing I want…at least nothing I can have.

MY CHRISTMAS LIST:

I want this desert nightmare over with. I want this noose called a house out from around my neck. It’s just tight enough to cut off my breathing some but not quite tight enough to finish the job and give me peace. I want it over.

I want my old life back but have come to realize that I will NEVER have it again. Even after Mom is gone and I’m back on my own it won’t be the same because I’m not the same person I was almost 7 years ago when I came out to this hell on earth on a promise that didn’t exist. All the things I once enjoyed no longer mean anything to me, all the things I thought were real have revealed themselves to be just another lie. Even spending time on the computer means nothing. All it is for me is a sometimes distraction from the hurt, but even when I can achieve the distraction it’s only fleeting.

I want peace in my heart, mind and soul. I want all the bad things that I thought I had previously banished from my head to go away again. But I don’t think I’ll be able to get rid of them this time. They’ve got too deep a hold now and I can feel how deeply they’ve dug in but for the moment I don’t have the freedom to give them what they want because I’m stupid enough to still, after everything that’s gone on, think of and put other people first. I can’t leave Mom alone, especially out here.

I want the fear to go away. The fear of what is around every corner both literal and figurative. The fear of imposing myself on other people when it’s clear they don’t want me. The fear of what happens if I ask for something (respect? consideration? love?) that I obviously do not deserve nor have any right to. The fear of overstepping the boundries that have been set for me by other people. The fear of the future because I don’t have one iota of control over anything that happens.

I want the blackness that’s inside of me all the time now to go back to gray like it used to be.

So Santa, can you help me out with any of this? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Mom and I were talking the other day and I was VERY pleased to hear that she has finally and for real accepted the truth of our situation here in the desert hellhole we are stuck in. She admitted that she knows that not only are we hopelessly out of place here but that we are not really wanted here. I’ve known for a while why we were “asked” to move out here and the selfishness of the reasons was heartbreaking but now Mom gets it. We are here for someone else’s convenience…because it made things easier for someone, certainly not for me as things are worse for me here than they were back home.

X Marks The Spot

Back home I was losing it fast but at least there was family support. I know I could count on my mother’s sisters to be there if needed whereas out here I don’t believe I can count on mine to be there, as least not in a way that I would need. I realize that she has a right to her own life but sometimes family obligations DO need to be met whether we like it or not. But I guess that’s water under the bridge now since I don’t think I even care anymore. I’ve accepted that I’m on my own with things and will deal as best I can but it will be the proverbial “last nail in my coffin”. With the way I now feel it’s as if I’ve already died and just need to allow my body to lie down which, if things continue the way they are, will be very soon. That’s a promise.

Anyway back to the original point of the post…Mom knows we need to go home and we have been discussing it. With her though it’ll be a drawn out drama filled thing but it’s become reality and for me that’s a positive thing.

I was looking back over my “Alone Time” logs in preparation for my accumulated time total and was VERY dismayed to see what is was. Everyone needs some time that is completely for them and for some of us that are less than social beings, it’s critical. And I can certainly tell you that when it’s denied things can take a very grim turn.

To help anyone to understand just how important this is to someone like me, think about what is extremely important to you (for my sister it’s having a husband) and imagine that you could no longer have that thing…wouldn’t it make you incredibly angry that the one thing that mattered to you, the one thing that helped you get through your days was being denied? And then imagine that another person in your life is in charge of whether or not you get that thing and for how long you get it…wouldn’t you begin to resent the person that is withholding it?

The only conclusion you could come to is that YOU as person don’t matter. YOU as a person are nothing. If someone isn’t willing to really help you out when you need it, it’s because you aren’t worthwhile. You are “No One”.