I have a feeling that this will be my last alone time.

1) Having up and moved to the state I’m currently in on the strength of “family” – It’s ALWAYS a bad decision to make a major change in your life with thoughts of someone other than yourself. It will always come back to bite you in the ass. Part of my decision to move out here was indeed selfish, I needed someone to take a bit of the load of dealing with my mother off me…I needed help. I also thought it would be good for us to be out there with my sister and her husband because it would solve the problem my sister created by coming home twice the first year she was out here (both times were entirely HER idea by the way). Little did I know at the time that that apparently was the ONLY reason my sister wanted us out here. When she first mentioned to my mother (again, entirely of her own accord) that we move closer to them I stupidly thought she knew and cared how desperate I was for help…my mistake for thinking I was more important than was the reality. Before we actually got out there she had all these ideas of us being a “family” but once we were really there it all disappeared and we were basically supposed to stay in the background until needed.

The realization that the relationship that I thought existed with my sister was bogus and it was, figuratively speaking, the final nail in my coffin (figuratively? HA! We’ll see what the future brings). THAT hurt and destroyed me more than anything. I need to get back home where I know I’m wanted.

2) Agreeing to let my mother move in with me – No one seems to realize how incredibly difficult day to day life is for me…mainly because I never really showed anyone, didn’t ever feel that they cared enough. The only way I was able to survive was the knowledge that at the end of the day I had my “sanctuary” to go home to. I lived alone and created a place that I could be safe in. Of course once my mother moved in she took over and changed everything to suit her…and I allowed it to happen. I felt then, and still do I suppose, that her moving in with me was morally the right thing to do. I can’t turn my back on someone who needs something no matter what so I guess I got what I deserved. Maybe everyone thought that because I didn’t have a traditional lifestyle (ie one that people understand), it was no big deal for me to just give up everything that I worked very hard to create…like it was expected of me. My life just wasn’t as important as everyone else’s so I lose.

3) Applying for other positions in my company after hearing about the layoff – Again this was something I did with someone else in mind. I knew my mother would be worried if I was out of a job irregardless of the fact that I would still be bringing in money via unemployment. That wouldn’t be good enough for her and life would be more hellish than normal because of her panic and subsequent nagging so I applied for some open positions and now I’m terrified that I might get one. I need this off my back even for a short time, but my life isn’t about me. If I was on my own there would have been no question that I would just ride it out and then take the layoff but we can’t always get what we want. I also figured that being out of work would put me one step closer to getting home. It could still happen but I just don’t know right now.

I realized that I spend just about every day of my life going back and forth between 7, 8 & 9 over and over throughout the day. Otherwise as a rule, I seem to hover consistently at a 7. No wonder I’m so fucking exhausted all the time.

This is the scale:
10 = Feels unbearably bad, out of control, as in a nervous breakdown, overwhelmed. The subject may feel so upset that he does not want to talk because he cannot imagine how anyone could possibly understand his agitation.

0 = Peace, serenity, total relief, no bad feelings of any kind about any particular issue.

And no, I don’t mean West Virginia but at least that’s in the right part of the country. The longer I am out here in this warped politically correct fantasy world the more desperate and hopeless I become. The mindset of this area of the country is to far off the charts reality-wise it’s pathetic. And if I have to stay here much longer I don’t know if I can be held responsible for what happens…and why should I be? It seems that the mantra in this hellhole is “It’s not MY fault!”.

Seriously, the people out here are so fucked in the head it’s unbelievable. It must be the sun frying their brains because I can’t figure them out. Take driving for instance…out here a red light means keep going and a green light means stop. It’s like they are mesmerized by the pretty color of the green light and just need to sit and stare at it. Then they finally get their minds in gear and go and if you’re lucky 2 people might get through. Of course the reality is probably that they don’t go when a light turns green because people from the cross street don’t stop when THEIR light is red. Pathetically stupid.

I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS PIT OF HELL AND BACK EAST TO THE REAL WORLD NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had previously posted about having applied for other positions within the company and figured they didn’t want me because I hadn’t heard anything about it. Well I was right as confirmed by my supervisor. When we had our annual reviews and raises last year (August?) I didn’t get a raise and my review was “unsatisfactory” because my numbers were down. My numbers were down because of the atmosphere I was working in and I had spoken to my supervisor about it several times with no resolution. FINALLY I was moved to another seat in a quieter area and my work improved dramatically. Anyway, because of that “unsatisfactory” review I WAS NOT even being considered for any of the positions I had applied for as I thought. Now she tells me that a mid term review (for those of us who originally got bad reviews) was excellent and I now WILL be considered for any positions I apply for…except now there are currently no positions available. Gee thanks for nothing. I basically told her that I was no longer interested. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I guess I’ll just do my time and take the layoff when it comes. What’s the worst that could happen? I could lose my house (which is everything I have) and my excellent credit rating will be in the toilet but I think at this point that is okay. Take everything away and I’ll have no more worries. That will make it easier to go.

MY CHRISTMAS LIST:

I want this desert nightmare over with. I want this noose called a house out from around my neck. It’s just tight enough to cut off my breathing some but not quite tight enough to finish the job and give me peace. I want it over.

I want my old life back but have come to realize that I will NEVER have it again. Even after Mom is gone and I’m back on my own it won’t be the same because I’m not the same person I was almost 7 years ago when I came out to this hell on earth on a promise that didn’t exist. All the things I once enjoyed no longer mean anything to me, all the things I thought were real have revealed themselves to be just another lie. Even spending time on the computer means nothing. All it is for me is a sometimes distraction from the hurt, but even when I can achieve the distraction it’s only fleeting.

I want peace in my heart, mind and soul. I want all the bad things that I thought I had previously banished from my head to go away again. But I don’t think I’ll be able to get rid of them this time. They’ve got too deep a hold now and I can feel how deeply they’ve dug in but for the moment I don’t have the freedom to give them what they want because I’m stupid enough to still, after everything that’s gone on, think of and put other people first. I can’t leave Mom alone, especially out here.

I want the fear to go away. The fear of what is around every corner both literal and figurative. The fear of imposing myself on other people when it’s clear they don’t want me. The fear of what happens if I ask for something (respect? consideration? love?) that I obviously do not deserve nor have any right to. The fear of overstepping the boundries that have been set for me by other people. The fear of the future because I don’t have one iota of control over anything that happens.

I want the blackness that’s inside of me all the time now to go back to gray like it used to be.

So Santa, can you help me out with any of this? Yeah, I didn’t think so.