I have 3 MAJOR regrets in my life to date. They are, in order of importance, listed here:

1) Having up and moved to the state I’m currently in on the strength of “family” – It’s ALWAYS a bad decision to make a major change in your life with thoughts of someone other than yourself. It will always come back to bite you in the ass. Part of my decision to move out here was indeed selfish, I needed someone to take a bit of the load of dealing with my mother off me…I needed help. I also thought it would be good for us to be out there with my sister and her husband because it would solve the problem my sister created by coming home twice the first year she was out here (both times were entirely HER idea by the way). Little did I know at the time that that apparently was the ONLY reason my sister wanted us out here. When she first mentioned to my mother (again, entirely of her own accord) that we move closer to them I stupidly thought she knew and cared how desperate I was for help…my mistake for thinking I was more important than was the reality. Before we actually got out there she had all these ideas of us being a “family” but once we were really there it all disappeared and we were basically supposed to stay in the background until needed.

The realization that the relationship that I thought existed with my sister was bogus and it was, figuratively speaking, the final nail in my coffin (figuratively? HA! We’ll see what the future brings). THAT hurt and destroyed me more than anything. I need to get back home where I know I’m wanted.

2) Agreeing to let my mother move in with me – No one seems to realize how incredibly difficult day to day life is for me…mainly because I never really showed anyone, didn’t ever feel that they cared enough. The only way I was able to survive was the knowledge that at the end of the day I had my “sanctuary” to go home to. I lived alone and created a place that I could be safe in. Of course once my mother moved in she took over and changed everything to suit her…and I allowed it to happen. I felt then, and still do I suppose, that her moving in with me was morally the right thing to do. I can’t turn my back on someone who needs something no matter what so I guess I got what I deserved. Maybe everyone thought that because I didn’t have a traditional lifestyle (ie one that people understand), it was no big deal for me to just give up everything that I worked very hard to create…like it was expected of me. My life just wasn’t as important as everyone else’s so I lose.

3) Applying for other positions in my company after hearing about the layoff – Again this was something I did with someone else in mind. I knew my mother would be worried if I was out of a job irregardless of the fact that I would still be bringing in money via unemployment. That wouldn’t be good enough for her and life would be more hellish than normal because of her panic and subsequent nagging so I applied for some open positions and now I’m terrified that I might get one. I need this off my back even for a short time, but my life isn’t about me. If I was on my own there would have been no question that I would just ride it out and then take the layoff but we can’t always get what we want. I also figured that being out of work would put me one step closer to getting home. It could still happen but I just don’t know right now.