I found this old journal entry written in March of 2003. It’s interesting how something you thought was going to help ended up making things tons worse. I’m refering specifically to the italicized bit below. See I always believed that my sister would be there for me if and when I really needed her. I believed that because she led me to believe it. But it’s like the line in the NIN song – “I’ll be there for you as long as it works for me.” So now not only do I still have all the other shit, but now I have to deal with the fact that the one thing that held any type of hope for me was nothing more than common bullshit and lies. The one and only person that I thought I could really count on…well, I guess I can’t. Hey, the illusion was nice while it lasted but the crash of realization is brutal.
I have finally admitted and accepted something that has been very prevalant in my mind recently. I think these feelings have been with me for a very long time but it’s just in the last year or so that they have solidified and actually taken on a life of their own. Self-hatred, destruction and death have been the all consuming emotions raging through me lately. For as long as I can remember I’ve felt worthless. Hell, I found out several years ago that I was concieved as a way to try and save my parent’s marriage and I failed miserably at that! They divorced when I was 4. So I’ve always been basically useless. And Lord knows I never live up to anyone else’s standards. They never fail to remind me daily.
Anyway, back to the main point (is there one?). Suicide…in the last year this has been a constant thought going through my mind with a vengance. I mean it was always there for me as a last resort, but now it IS the only answer. Yet I still hesitate. I don’t really want to die, I just obviously don’t know how to live correctly. And I don’t know how to fix it to everyone’s satisfaction so maybe I’m thinking I should just finish it. Once and for all.
But I’m not gonna just yet. I have one last ditch plan. Starting a new life. Get out of this job which is killing me quickly and settle the home situation which is killing me quickER. The home situation is this: my mother moved in with me about a year and a half ago (I think I talked about this in earlier entries). Of course I’m not the one she really wants to be with, that would be my sister. And I don’t really blame her, my sister is great and I love her a whole lot. But mom is on me constantly, I think I’m a daily reminder of failure. I can’t even seem to breathe right around her. I can’t stand the constant intrusions into my life from her. And I also realized something that kind of shocked me. I think I love my mother but I know I don’t like her. That sickens me. I should not feel that way about the woman who gave me life (thanks for nothing ma!) whatever her twisted reasons might have been. Okay, back on track here – About a year ago my sister moved across the country and now we’re going out there too. I need my sister to be there to take some of mom’s focus off me. I need her to help shoulder the burden. Besides mom likes her better than she likes me, and I swear that’s not said with any trace of bitterness at all. I like my sister better than I like myself too. So no hard feelings there.
I know it’s not going to solve all the problems but it might ease them enough that those suicide thoughts are once again relegated back to the bowels of my warped little mind.
I guess that’s about it for the time being.
