Muted Lunacy

A thought occured to me today that when this whole thing started, and by that I mean when my mother moved in with me and I lost all semblance of any control I might have had over my life, I was waiting for the day that I could have my life back. I realized today that now, 5 years in, I’m just waiting for the time that I can…stop. Find blessed relief from having to be. See my mother is the last hurdle. I won’t do anything while she’s still around for many reasons. Mostly because I feel that this current situation is karma come to collect. This is my debt to pay and once it’s done then I’m free from all other family obligations. Family isn’t here for me now when I need them most so that’s it. Show’s over. I do mourn the loss of what I thought the relationship with my sister was, what it could have been. But you can’t dictate how other people think, act or feel. And although the loss of that relationship (maybe I should say the loss of the illusion (delusion?) of the relationship) is I think the single biggest and most hurtful disappointment of my life, I will manage.