Muted Lunacy

You know, I’m getting a little tired of people. And how they act concerned but they’re not really. I recently made the decision to get rid of all the things (possessions) I had that used to mean something to me. At least they did until I started feeling used, betrayed and letdown by the people that are supposed to care about me. I’m dying here and they all sort of see it but don’t. I guess that’s my fault because once in a blue moon if one of them does ask if something is wrong, I say no. And I say no because I’m not at all entirely sure they really want to know the truth. The few times that I have alluded to a problem, they all start telling me what they’re going through and how anything that I think is bad in my life is really all my fault. And frankly that hurts. So when they do ask and I say all is fine, and they accept that because that’s all they really want to hear.

But back to the original point of this entry - the cleaning out of all my stuff. I’m doing it because, as I’ve already said, these “things” don’t mean anything to me anymore. Whenever I look at the things now, they just hurt. Hurt because they are the life I used to have and will never have again. The people in my life have helped cause that. I didn’t really think I could hate anymore than I already did…but I can and do thanks to them and their selfishness. If people would play what I call the “What If” game once in a while things could be a little better. The what if game is simple. In any situation ask yourself “what if”. For example, my mother moved in with me almost 6 years ago and is always there. She never gets out unless I take her except for a maybe once a month afternoon at bingo when my sister feels like it. Now if my sister would ask herself “What if the situation were reversed and mom was up MY ass 24/7, would an hour and a half of alone time a month be enough for me?” she might take mom for a night or two once in a blue moon so I could regroup myself (the last time she did this was over 2 years ago I think). But she won’t and I really am resenting the fact that where mom is concerned I might as well be an only child. It’s just not fair. I have to work all day (my sister doesn’t) and when I come home I have to be “on” and spend time with mom because she’s bored and lonely. Again, it’s not fair and it’s killed whatever relationship I had with my sister. We will never be the same again and that’s sad because I always thought she was the one good thing in my life. Finding out that that was all an illusion was a disapointment that hit very hard. She wants her life to be her way (don’t we all?!?) and when you have family there always has to be concessions. Except where me and mom are concerned I guess. So as far as I’m concerned she can have her life exactly as she wants it. When mom is gone, so am I. No fake holiday get togethers or any of that. Of course it’s questionable if I even make it that far which brings me back around to the reason for getting rid of all my stuff.

I think my mother and sister are worried that I might be planning to kill myself. Well actually I was and am still holding it as an option. I’m waiting to see if this plan I’m putting into action will pay off and provide me with the independance I need to be able to disappear to wherever I want after mom is gone. If it doesn’t, then I end it because continuing life with the outlook I have now is NOT an option. So jettisoning all my worldly possessions will make my escape so much easier. And that’s where we are. So now I have to go to work and deal with everything there, then come home (which sometimes makes me physically sick) and deal with everything here. And according to them I’m supposed to be happy with this. Well I’m not and the only thing I can think of to say right now is FUCK YOU!!!!!

Thank you and goodbye.