Mom and I were talking the other day and I was VERY pleased to hear that she has finally and for real accepted the truth of our situation here in the desert hellhole we are stuck in. She admitted that she knows that not only are we hopelessly out of place here but that we are not really wanted here. I’ve known for a while why we were “asked” to move out here and the selfishness of the reasons was heartbreaking but now Mom gets it. We are here for someone else’s convenience…because it made things easier for someone, certainly not for me as things are worse for me here than they were back home.

X Marks The Spot

Back home I was losing it fast but at least there was family support. I know I could count on my mother’s sisters to be there if needed whereas out here I don’t believe I can count on mine to be there, as least not in a way that I would need. I realize that she has a right to her own life but sometimes family obligations DO need to be met whether we like it or not. But I guess that’s water under the bridge now since I don’t think I even care anymore. I’ve accepted that I’m on my own with things and will deal as best I can but it will be the proverbial “last nail in my coffin”. With the way I now feel it’s as if I’ve already died and just need to allow my body to lie down which, if things continue the way they are, will be very soon. That’s a promise.

Anyway back to the original point of the post…Mom knows we need to go home and we have been discussing it. With her though it’ll be a drawn out drama filled thing but it’s become reality and for me that’s a positive thing.

I was looking back over my “Alone Time” logs in preparation for my accumulated time total and was VERY dismayed to see what is was. Everyone needs some time that is completely for them and for some of us that are less than social beings, it’s critical. And I can certainly tell you that when it’s denied things can take a very grim turn.

To help anyone to understand just how important this is to someone like me, think about what is extremely important to you (for my sister it’s having a husband) and imagine that you could no longer have that thing…wouldn’t it make you incredibly angry that the one thing that mattered to you, the one thing that helped you get through your days was being denied? And then imagine that another person in your life is in charge of whether or not you get that thing and for how long you get it…wouldn’t you begin to resent the person that is withholding it?

The only conclusion you could come to is that YOU as person don’t matter. YOU as a person are nothing. If someone isn’t willing to really help you out when you need it, it’s because you aren’t worthwhile. You are “No One”.

So apparently as of December 1, 2009 my company has started moving my work to India. I guess the deal is, depending on how they do over there, our layoffs will begin in January 2010 with the biggest wave being then followed by 2 smaller layoffs in February and March/April.

Our workload has already decreased. We usually have at least a 3 day turn around in work but for the past few weeks we’ve actually been working on the previous day’s stuff which means there isn’t as much work available to us…because they’ve been holding it back to send overseas. So this month should be fun. MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!

I’ve applied for 4 open positions within my company and haven’t heard a peep about it but I HAVE heard of folks in my doomed department getting jobs elsewhere in the company so I can only assume that I am shit out of luck in that area. I’m gonna be unemployed. Okay I can deal with that so let’s just get the show on the road and “git ‘er done!” I can’t say that I’ll miss having to get up every morning and go to a place that is so oppressive that people are dropping like flies…literally. It seems like every time I turn around the ambulance is at the front door of our company hauling another person away.

So that’s the update, I’ll continue this saga when I know more.