Muted Lunacy » control

Where were you? :(

No One — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 21:58:24 +0000

Everytime I’m out of mom’s sight, she has to come looking for me. And when she finds me she always asks “Where were you?”. That pisses me off more than I can say. It’s a small house and anyone with half a brain that knows me, knows I’m not gonna be out anywhere so…where the fuck do you think I am. Seriously.

In A Perfect World

No One — Tue, 12 Sep 2006 20:47:31 +0000

This should be a good month for me because it’s my birthday. That would be true in a normal world, but remember this is MY WORLD. And it’s in no way normal. So what that brings me to is that this month is a bad month for me because it’s my birthday. And because it’s the month my mother moved in with me thereby totally invalidating me as an adult human being. I literally ceased to be a person. Amazing really. And I think maybe I have to agree with that because a real person would be in control of their lives (no matter what the outcome was, it would be their call). But I’m not and I think I’m partly to blame for that. How can I expect others to take me seriously or to take my feelings into consideration when I myself don’t. For instance, instead of me just coming out and telling my mother that she needs to back off and leave me the fuck alone I usually just keep my mouth shut because it’s easier and because I know she would take whatever I say wrong and be hurt. I don’t like to hurt people, and that’s why I also don’t just tell my sister that she needs to take more on where mom is concerned. She needs to take mom once in a blue moon for a few days and give me some quality time so I can catch my breath and regroup. But I don’t say that because I don’t want to start trouble or be the cause of trouble in her marriage. I worry about that specifically because I was warned by my cousin before we even moved out here not to do anything to hurt her relationship (fuck the fact that *I* am being destroyed though) and my sister has said herself that nothing will come between them. So the outcome is that she gets to live her life as she wants with minimum help for me and I live in a daily hell, partly of my own making because I won’t stand up for myself. What a fucking grimm dilemma.

So again I ask: how can I expect other people to consider me when I don’t? I realized that I put other people’s feelings before I do my own. I’d rather hurt myself than someone else. That’s pathetic and I don’t know how to change it.

The Beginning of the End

No One — Fri, 01 Sep 2006 20:01:00 +0000

A thought occured to me today that when this whole thing started, and by that I mean when my mother moved in with me and I lost all semblance of any control I might have had over my life, I was waiting for the day that I could have my life back. I realized today that now, 5 years in, I’m just waiting for the time that I can…stop. Find blessed relief from having to be. See my mother is the last hurdle. I won’t do anything while she’s still around for many reasons. Mostly because I feel that this current situation is karma come to collect. This is my debt to pay and once it’s done then I’m free from all other family obligations. Family isn’t here for me now when I need them most so that’s it. Show’s over. I do mourn the loss of what I thought the relationship with my sister was, what it could have been. But you can’t dictate how other people think, act or feel. And although the loss of that relationship (maybe I should say the loss of the illusion (delusion?) of the relationship) is I think the single biggest and most hurtful disappointment of my life, I will manage.