So yeah, today was my annual review at work and I’m not sure it’s worth it. What they do is they take you into a room, give you your review paperwork and leave you alone for a few minutes to read it through. Now first off them taking me into a room, in light of recent past events, is a scary proposition for me. But anyway, I start reading the review and get to the part about…can’t remember the exact wording but something to the effect of considering other workers feelings and shit. Of course I got bad marks there and the thing that was supposed to be completely over & forgotten and never referred to again was mentioned in my review. Twice. So much for letting bygones be bygones and me having a clean slate.

Well that crap was bad enough but I also got dinged for my quality being slightly lower that it should but no mention of the fact that I talked to them about that exact issue a few times saying it was because of all the bullshit going on around me. The fact that since I’ve been moved to a different seat my quality is back up above where it should be apparently holds no weight. The final result is that my raise was a paltry sum although according to them it’s not bad considering their high end of raises (for the UNbeautiful people that is) is insulting in itself.

It just angers me that the only thing I ever had which was my work reputation, is gone. I have nothing anymore. Well maybe that’s good because if you have nothing then you lose nothing when the whole fucking show is over. Makes the end easier, no?

Wednesday July 9, 2008 – 3:04pm – 3:49pm = 45 minutes.

Especially when it’s done by family. Okay so the “whine du jour” happened yesterday, bear with me as I’m sure most will think it’s petty but to me it’s just another thing on top of all the others. Another hint that my sister does not get it.

So after I got out of work yesterday I had to run down to the reservation (about 5 miles PAST my house) for cigarettes for me and mom and I also had to go to the store for a few things including milk. At about 10:30 am my cell phone rang and it was my sister leaving a voice mail that she was going down to the house and would stop and get us milk thus saving me a trip after work. Now this is a nice gesture in itself and to be fair she at that time was not aware of the other things I needed to get so that meant I STILL had to do all the other running around. Okay fine…whatever.

Then about noon my phone rings again and as I was on a break and saw the call was again from my sister’s cell I answered it thinking that mom had told her about the other things I needed and that they were going to go out (instead of just sitting around the house) and get them for me, something I truly would have appreciated. But in reality’s cruel way it was just mom calling to tell me that after my sister got there she remembered the rest of the list and she was sorry that I still had to run errands and by the way could I add a few things to the list I already had?

The upshot is this…would it have killed my sister to say to mom that they would go and run the errands since neither one of them does anything all day anyway. No it wouldn’t have but still she didn’t want to put herself out, and mom didn’t feel comfortable asking her. That’s a fucking pathetic situation. It would have taken them no time at all whereas I (after working all day) have to fight the afternoon traffic and all the other people who are shopping after work. And I would have been thrilled.

Anyway, that’s it. I just have to hold on to my dream future where I can leave all people behind and just think about myself.

As I mentioned last month, I’m taking a trip back east. Well today is the day! In a few hours I’ll be on a plane dodging thunderstorms all across the country. A check of the weather back there tells me that I’m going from 100+ temps and low humidity to high 90′s, high humidity and RAIN RAIN RAIN…and I can’t wait. I’ve got the laptop and the ipod all charged up and ready to go. And the camera so hopefully I’ll have lots of pictures to show when I get back.

The house I’m staying at doesn’t have internet (HORRORS!!!!!!) so I’ll have to use dialup (EVEN MORE HORRORS!!!) so my internet time will be at a minimum unless during one of my planned outings I can find a wifi hotspot somewhere.

See ya in a week!

So yeah, I had another breakdown at work yesterday and this one was a little bit more public. My paranoia level is through the roof, especially at work since I’ve been called in twice (actually 3 times – the first was a private “heads up” talk with my former supervisor) about people complaining about me.

The short version is that I was in my car before work freaking out and trying to blow off some steam before going in for the day. Someone pulled up behind me, leaving their lights on and shining into my mirror and my face. As I was already screaming about my latest drama I (after several minutes of being blinded) turned around and looked. Almost immediately the lights went off but the person stayed in their car for a while. When they finally got out I noticed it was a lead from my department. When she walked through the gate I noticed she specifically looked down the lot towards my car. Right away the panic set in that she heard me and will now go report me and I’ll get hauled in to HR again, possibly getting written up again this time. I went upstairs to start my work but couldn’t stop the tears and the panic. I asked my supervisor to make an appointment for me with the same HR lady I talked to last time.

So I went at the appointed time and explained the situation to her. I told her quite a bit of how things are lately, such as how I no longer will even look at or speak to anyone for fear of inadvertently offending them. I am constantly in fear of something happening. She seemed distressed at this FOR me, not at me and I take this as a good sign. After our talk she took me to a private room so I could calm myself down and told me to take as much time as I needed and to take a break if I needed and not worry about my idle time or production as she would talk to my supervisor and smooth things over. So an hour and 15 minutes and 2 cigarettes later I went back to work, still on the verge of tears but feeling a little better inside knowing that my head wasn’t on the chopping block. I still need to watch myself though and it scares me that my control has slipped yet again.

I guess that wasn’t such a short version. Oh well, sorry. As it’s Friday, I’m off for another day. Hopefully the thoughts of a 3 day weekend will help to keep me calm.