Over the past several months I have started dreaming at night of being back east. Every night I find myself back there driving around all the familiar places and revisiting all that I love, feeling safe and comfortable and at home. And it’s all so vivid in my dreams. I can smell the place…in my dreams. When I wake up and realize where I am I cry. This place is just very unfriendly and hostile to me. And yes, I did give it a fair chance when I first got here but IT’S JUST NOT FOR ME. All the bad feelings that are inherent to my personality are magnified now and getting stronger every day. And my control over myself is almost gone and that scares me. I need to be able to hold on until I can escape this nightmare place, it would just help some if I knew WHEN that escape might be possible. It’s the fear that I might be stuck here forever that truly frightens me. I can tell you one thing for sure…if I am indeed stuck here forever then forever will be very short, I’ll see to that, guaranteed.

It just seems as if everything out here is dead. The landscape is brown and dirty, whereas back east you go outside and you see green and life. I just pray that one day I’ll be able to go back.

I am also looking into getting one of those fancy locking mailboxes because of the fools who love to drive around neighborhoods, during the day mind you, and steal people’s mail. I guess they want to make sure our state stays at the top the the identity theft list. I won’t drive 2 feet down the road without my car doors locked because the rate of carjacking is so high.

And before anyone decides that this is just my paranoia kicking up again, I can say with absolute certainty that it’s not. I watch the local news and read the local papers where stories of all the home invasions, murders, rapes, assaults, vandalism, carjackings, etc are prominent on almost a daily basis. I drive around this town and see more houses with alarms and grates on the windows and doors than not. Hell, it’s even in my own neighborhood. The cars on either side of me were broken into, and across the street not only had one of their cars broken into but another car parked in front of their house was tipped over onto it’s roof! I guess the only reason my car hasn’t been bothered is because I use my garage as a garage, not a storage shed. And let’s not forget all of the gang markings all over the place. And up in the north end of town (the self proclaimed upper class area – they insist on having their own name) someone was going around in the middle of the night setting fire to cars parked in driveways. Constant drug related shootings and such. The crime is rampant in this shithole of a town I’m currently stuck in and I’m scared to death.

So thanks to all the bleeding heart liberals and all the people who are soft on crime, this is our world now and I fear it’s only going to get worse. God help us all.

And the town…a few changes but still basically the same. Simply lovely. Small and quiet. Being there reinforced the hatred I have for where I currently am. My homesickness is more than ever now. I will go back for good someday.

I know I have lots more to say but am still overwhelmed that I can’t find the words. But it was GREAT to be there. I didn’t get as many pictures as I wanted though, I suck at remembering to have the camera at hand. Below are some of the ones that I like the most.

The short version is that I was in my car before work freaking out and trying to blow off some steam before going in for the day. Someone pulled up behind me, leaving their lights on and shining into my mirror and my face. As I was already screaming about my latest drama I (after several minutes of being blinded) turned around and looked. Almost immediately the lights went off but the person stayed in their car for a while. When they finally got out I noticed it was a lead from my department. When she walked through the gate I noticed she specifically looked down the lot towards my car. Right away the panic set in that she heard me and will now go report me and I’ll get hauled in to HR again, possibly getting written up again this time. I went upstairs to start my work but couldn’t stop the tears and the panic. I asked my supervisor to make an appointment for me with the same HR lady I talked to last time.

So I went at the appointed time and explained the situation to her. I told her quite a bit of how things are lately, such as how I no longer will even look at or speak to anyone for fear of inadvertently offending them. I am constantly in fear of something happening. She seemed distressed at this FOR me, not at me and I take this as a good sign. After our talk she took me to a private room so I could calm myself down and told me to take as much time as I needed and to take a break if I needed and not worry about my idle time or production as she would talk to my supervisor and smooth things over. So an hour and 15 minutes and 2 cigarettes later I went back to work, still on the verge of tears but feeling a little better inside knowing that my head wasn’t on the chopping block. I still need to watch myself though and it scares me that my control has slipped yet again.

I guess that wasn’t such a short version. Oh well, sorry. As it’s Friday, I’m off for another day. Hopefully the thoughts of a 3 day weekend will help to keep me calm.

It’s like the story I read a while back. A woman was in a store and came on a group of young girls (they seem to be the WORST) blocking an aisle. She said “excuse me” a couple times before the girls got annoyed and turned on her creating a scene because she was “bothering” them. She then just turned away and proceeded to finish her shopping. She said for the rest of the time these girls followed her around the store staring, laughing and making comments. They followed her out to her car and stood nearby watching her while she loaded up her purchases. She said she remembers being scared the whole time. Simply because she wanted to go past them and they felt it was appropriate to verbally abuse her and continue to intimidate her. And we are supposed to feel secure about these kids being our future. It’s truly frightening.

I get no comfort from people, only pain.

For every person that leaves the company, they hire 1 replacement we’re told. Obviously with how large our backlog is, 1 replacement isn’t enough. Maybe they should hire 2 for every 1 that leaves.

Something has GOT to give.

But least I also got my seat moved. Now anytime I look up I’ll look right out the window to the freedom beyond, and hopefully I will no longer suffer the negative physical effects from all the perfume they seem to love to douse themselves in. And I also found out who tattled on me. Another one of the fucking cunt little girls that seem to think they can have things their way. No legitimate experience with the “real world”. Probably grew up being daddy’s little princess and had everyone catering to them. She basically got herself upset over the fact that I said that she “should sit the fuck down and do some work”. If she hadn’t been standing up chatting to her little girlfriends for most of the day it never would have happened.

Ah well, live and learn. Pray for me please…pray that I can keep myself under control at least for the next 30 days.