I’m back from the trip to my hometown back east. I can’t express how good it was to be back there. How calm I was (in anything that DIDN’T have to do with Mom or the shithole I live in now), and how much nicer an atmosphere there is there. By that I am talking in part of the people…to see a group of young people back there does NOT inspire fear and suspicion. People are pleasant and friendly. I felt safe outside at night. I felt I belonged. I saw my friends (not as much as I would have liked) and they treated me the same as they always did, like I haven’t been gone. It meant more to me than anyone will ever know.

And the town…a few changes but still basically the same. Simply lovely. Small and quiet. Being there reinforced the hatred I have for where I currently am. My homesickness is more than ever now. I will go back for good someday.

I know I have lots more to say but am still overwhelmed that I can’t find the words. But it was GREAT to be there. I didn’t get as many pictures as I wanted though, I suck at remembering to have the camera at hand. Below are some of the ones that I like the most.

So yeah, I had another breakdown at work yesterday and this one was a little bit more public. My paranoia level is through the roof, especially at work since I’ve been called in twice (actually 3 times – the first was a private “heads up” talk with my former supervisor) about people complaining about me.

The short version is that I was in my car before work freaking out and trying to blow off some steam before going in for the day. Someone pulled up behind me, leaving their lights on and shining into my mirror and my face. As I was already screaming about my latest drama I (after several minutes of being blinded) turned around and looked. Almost immediately the lights went off but the person stayed in their car for a while. When they finally got out I noticed it was a lead from my department. When she walked through the gate I noticed she specifically looked down the lot towards my car. Right away the panic set in that she heard me and will now go report me and I’ll get hauled in to HR again, possibly getting written up again this time. I went upstairs to start my work but couldn’t stop the tears and the panic. I asked my supervisor to make an appointment for me with the same HR lady I talked to last time.

So I went at the appointed time and explained the situation to her. I told her quite a bit of how things are lately, such as how I no longer will even look at or speak to anyone for fear of inadvertently offending them. I am constantly in fear of something happening. She seemed distressed at this FOR me, not at me and I take this as a good sign. After our talk she took me to a private room so I could calm myself down and told me to take as much time as I needed and to take a break if I needed and not worry about my idle time or production as she would talk to my supervisor and smooth things over. So an hour and 15 minutes and 2 cigarettes later I went back to work, still on the verge of tears but feeling a little better inside knowing that my head wasn’t on the chopping block. I still need to watch myself though and it scares me that my control has slipped yet again.

I guess that wasn’t such a short version. Oh well, sorry. As it’s Friday, I’m off for another day. Hopefully the thoughts of a 3 day weekend will help to keep me calm.

What has our society become? It’s become downright scary, that’s what. We are all now so self-absorbed with an inflated sense of our own individual importance that we’ve abandoned basic human consideration and respect. We see something we want and we take it with no thought to how it may affect someone else. Even me, the queen of the misanthropes will give you courtesy and respect until you prove you don’t deserve it which usually only takes about 30 seconds. The other day I was driving home from work and stopped to let a car out onto the road. The person didn’t even bother to give me a second glance never mind raise a hand briefly in thanks and that has had me thinking about it all. The younger generation hasn’t been taught basic manners. They’ve been made to feel that they are God’s gift to the world and everyone should be honored to be allowed in their presence. When I was growing up, if an adult spoke to me about something I would never have dared to spew out obcenities at them. I may have been thinking it, but I would have slit my throat before actually voicing it.

It’s like the story I read a while back. A woman was in a store and came on a group of young girls (they seem to be the WORST) blocking an aisle. She said “excuse me” a couple times before the girls got annoyed and turned on her creating a scene because she was “bothering” them. She then just turned away and proceeded to finish her shopping. She said for the rest of the time these girls followed her around the store staring, laughing and making comments. They followed her out to her car and stood nearby watching her while she loaded up her purchases. She said she remembers being scared the whole time. Simply because she wanted to go past them and they felt it was appropriate to verbally abuse her and continue to intimidate her. And we are supposed to feel secure about these kids being our future. It’s truly frightening.

I get no comfort from people, only pain.