I found these posts in my archives and figured this would be a good place to put them. Gives a bit of insight into me I guess.
Confessions of a Neurotic
3/28/97
I’d like to introduce myself and for reasons of privacy I’ll call myself #2. Suprisingly the privacy issue isn’t from the general public but from the person who raised me (also known as the elder). As time goes on, I hope to add more to this page. Right now this is just my way to maybe work out some of what is going on inside and around me.
I have a sibling whom I will refer to as #1. #1 is fighting through this life the same way I am, having also been raised by the elder. This is not always easy. Together #1 and I seem to do alright. When things get to be too much for me to handle #1 seems to be the only one who can talk any sense into me. For that I am eternally grateful. I like to think that I help #1 in the same way. Basically my life is pretty pathetic. I am old enough to know better but I guess I just don’t listen. I hope that makes sense. Someone once told me that I was a misanthrope. I guess they were right. I pretty much hate people. I don’t really have any use for most of them except #1 and a very, very select few. I think the only reason I can deal with them is that they don’t demand anything of me. When you start doing that we develop a major problem. This in itself is a problem, I know that but don’t seem to want to change it. Oh well. Life goes on. One of the few things that I really enjoy are pictures. I have tons of pictures in my house. Anything that catches my eye. This is a constant source of intense irritation to the elder which in my warped world actually makes it all the more fun. Most of the pictures you will see here reflect my feelings about me, #1, the elder, my home life and just my growing up. Bear with me the pictures will be coming soon. Unfortunately as much as I dislike life, I do have to adhere to the rules of society. You know mundane things like work.
So for now I’ll go, but I be back soon. And often for I have no life, therefore plenty of time to do this. See you soon.
Yours Truly,
The Saga Continues…
8/28/97
It’s been awhile since I’ve written. Some people may not know what I’m talking about, so I will explain. My name is #2 and I created a page before, but numerous problems, namely a computer that apparently was possessed by some evil being has kept me away. Not to mention the fact that I think I was possessed by some evil being. Not literally of course, but mentally I just haven’t been up to snuff which isn’t really saying much. Anyway, back to my version of reality. If anyone is at all interested in what I had to say before, you can click the link to the page I had before the possession and subsequent exorcism (meaning banishment of the old, offensive computer and in with a new more friendly one.) Now that I’ve gotten this new page up and running I hope to be more dilligent in keeping this one going, but for now I have to go and prepare myself for seeing the elder later this week. Believe me it takes a lot of preparation.
Later,
9/14/97
This is a small update to report that, THERE IS NOTHING TO REPORT!!! This fact alone scares the hell out of me. The elder had recently made some life changes that seem to have had profound effects for the better. Ah, but ever the cynic I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. #1 is a little more optimistic, thinking that maybe the changes have unleashed the real elder. I think that I am hoping like crazy that that is true. I want to believe it but we’ve been through similar times before and there is always the crash. I wish, I hope, I pray. Please don’t let it be in vain. I am so tired of feeling this way. I am tired of hating, distrusting, and suspecting everyone I meet. That all takes more energy than I am capable of anymore. Actually some of my worrying has been transfered to #1. #1 has some physical problems that have worsened over a very short period of time. It’s nothing life threatening, but a nightmare all the same. #1 has one fear in life and that is to wind up being physically incapacitated but mentally sound. Listen kids, be real careful in what you ask for, you just might get it. If #1 ends up being physically dependant on anyone, namely the spouse or me, it could suddenly turn life threatening if you can follow where I’m going with this. Needless to say, I’m losing sleep over this, partly because of my worry for my sibling, but mostly because of my own selfishness. My first thought was for myself. What would I do without #1′s support? My first thought should have been for #1 and the ordeal at hand, but it wasn’t. For that I am deeply ashamed.
Thank You for listening,
9/19/97
Just felt the need to write. Today is my birthday. Happy Birthday to me. I will not go to work today. This is my day and I chose to spend it in quiet solitude. I share this only with you, because…Well, just because.
11/24/97
In case no one noticed, it’s been about 2 months since I last wrote (since my last confession) because things have been going pretty well. Another person might have begun to think that maybe things had changed for the better, but I of course knew different. Today the inevitable happened. I was brutally reminded of THE RULES. I need to give a little history for this to be clear, so please bear with me. I had a job for many years. I was well paid and it was almost a position of some authority. I say almost because although I had the responsibility, I didn’t have the authority required to carry out what needed to be done. I wasn’t allowed to. This made for a lot of problems for which I, of course always took the heat. Eventually the pressure and stress became too much that I either had to leave the job or leave this world. I chose an optimistic path and left that job. Oh well, my mistake again. I got a job in a company where all I had to do was sit there and do the work that someone else put in front of me. I loved it, no stress and NO RESPONSIBILITY!!!!!! Alas, my idyllic world was not meant to last. It started when I was put in charge of one area. The little voice in my head started talking to me then, but I chose not to listen. At first it wasn’t too bad, it was just me there and I had The Boss to handle any problems that cropped up. Recently The Boss got a new job. Well, to make a long story not really any shorter, Management in their infinite wisdom, had decided to allocate the Former Boss’s responsiblities to several other people, including me. I knew that I should have paid attention to the gnawing in the pit of my stomach, but figured that maybe things will be different at this job. Some people never learn. Today I ran smack up against THE RULES. What are the rules you ask? They are so simple that I can’t believe I forgot them. Simply put they are: 1. Keep your mouth shut no matter what is done or said to you. 2. Read their minds and know about any changes that effect you, without anyone being considerate enough to tell you. 3. When the shit rolls down, as it inevitably will, make sure that you are right in the line of fire because that is your place. 4. Most importantly always, despite all the obstacles that are thrust in your way and all the beatings you take, get the job done. Because after all, it’s your head on the chopping block. I was thinking about all this on my way home today, and decided to try something different. I will play their game to the best of my abilities. I had a problem doing that in the other job. I tried to defend myself before and it just wasn’t allowed. Maybe if I can shut myself down everyday, I can get through this. All I know is that I can’t go back to the way things were before. That will definitely be the end of me. I’m just not that strong anymore. They made sure of that. As long as I remember where people in my “class” belong, I should be okay. Well, I guess that’s about it for now so as always, thanks for listening and please, if you can maybe say a little prayer for me…okay?
12/31/97
Just thought I’d drop in to say Happy New Year. Not that it means a whole lot to me but people seem to feel better if you say things like that. Anyway, I wanted to talk about a “thing” that happened to me today. I was browsing the web and found a page for my old job. My time there was truly tortured. I barely got out with my sanity intact. I found a picture that I would like to share with all of you. The name on the sign has been blacked out and replaced with my pet name for the company. I also blacked it out because if my old boss ever saw it, I know what the repercussions would be. It’s strange but the place really looks nice and harmless. But I know the truth. If you think I’m just being overdramatic, I could give you names of people who worked there and some who still work there that would be happy to corroborate my stories. This is also the place that I wrote about in my 11/24 bit. The place that I had to leave for my own health. Here, my kind friends is the worst place on earth. Scary isn’t it? You know, it really frightens me to think that this place will be my last thought in 1997. I sure hope that it’s not an indication of what 1998 is going to be. Oh well, whatever. I guess that’s about it for now, I need to go recover from the nasty flashbacks that I’m having after seeing that picture.
Later,
1/3/98
Well, here we are only 3 days into the new year and another family crisis has popped up. I haven’t written much about the elder in awhile, because things have been going fairly smoothly. But alas, the other shoe has finally dropped as I knew it would. I was talking to the elder on the phone this morning and noted a slightly depressed tone. I decided to ignore it, thinking it was post-holiday blues. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but the elder usually gets depressed at the holidays. This year however, the elder was actually festive and happy. At least as happy as the elder can be. Anyway, after hanging up I just sort of lazed the day away. Enjoying the quiet and solitude. Then disaster struck. I received a phone call from #1 who had just gotten done talking, or should I say fighting with the elder. Now I’m thrust back into the emotional turmoil that is my life in this family. Their argument was just a rehash of old events. See, the elder seems to have some sort of persecution complex. Everything that everyone does is done to specifically cause harm to the elder. For instance this is actually what caused tonight’s fiasco, one of the elder’s sibling went to visit yet another sibling over Christmas, while the elder was at my house. Just because the first sibling didn’t mention the visit to the elder we immediatly assume that there is a conspiracy against the elder. Well, tonight #1 didn’t agree with that theory so a major battle ensued. Now here I am wandering around the aftermath like a shellshocked soldier. I have to deal with listening to the elder go through the whole thing with me and if I don’t go along I’m dragged into the fighting. I don’t know how much more guilt I can handle about how rotten #1 and I are as offspring. How the elder sacrificed so much for us and we go about our merry (ha ha) lives without so much as a thought for the elder’s feelings. If you want to talk sacrifice, let’s talk about what #1 and I have given up. #1 and I are both adults, but with the elder we are not allowed to have our own thoughts or feelings. God forbid we should ever express them. The elder has a problem with accepting that we have grown up and we have a problem with not being allowed to. The elder believes that treating us as children will keep us close, doesn’t see that it just causes us to run screaming for the hills. Therein lies the conflict. The elder believes that if #1 and I no longer need the elder in a parental role then the elder has no role in life. The elder needs to realize that although no longer first in our lives, still important. You know, everyone always asks me why I haven’t found a mate. They don’t realize that the last thing I need in my life is more emotional ties. I can barely keep myself afloat, how could I possibly cope with another human being’s needs and wants. And why on earth would I want to put someone else through my personal hell? I know that the general consensus is that we all need intensive therapy, but the elder refuses to get any because in the eye of the elder it is “shameful to air your dirty laundry in public.” Direct quote. I guess it’s more noble to suffer in silence and descend into madness. If oblivion is my destiny, I wish it would hurry up and get here. As for me and therapy, I would love it but I can’t afford it. Actually, #1 tried it once but the elder forbid #1 to discuss any problems concerning our home life. #1 realized that if the elder and home problems were off limits, then what is the point. Which brings us to my main outlook on life: WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?I guess that’s enough crying and moaning for now as I know it doesn’t get me anything anyway. So, as always, thanks for listening and until next time…
1/27/98
Hello Friends, just thought I’d drop by to say ‘hey’. Actually I was just a little curious as to whether or not anyone knew what the point of our existence was. Why are we here, why am I here? If there is an answer to this question, I don’t know what it could possibly be. I have spent many, many hours thinking this over and have yet to come to any conclusions. I am well aware of how all this must sound (or read) to all of you, but I sometimes really need to get it all out. I know that I have said before that I am close to #1 and am able to talk to #1 about everything, even all this, but something always holds me back from going into too much detail about how badly I feel all the time. I don’t want to bring #1 down to where I am as #1 has enough problems. Sometimes just functioning is a monumental task that I just don’t think I can do. I generally put on a good show, good enough to get by in day to day life but by the end I’m finished. The funny thing is that today was not that bad. It went pretty well as far as all that goes but I had a hard time controlling what was going on in my mind again. Why can’t I make it all stop? You would think it would be easy, but it’s not. I think that’s why I like this medium because I can say anything and no useless advice is forthcoming. People mean well, but their senseless ramblings just tend to confuse me even more. Hence my pulling away from people. Being around people for long periods of time just saps too much of my energy. I don’t have enough to begin with. I think that I have to go now, because I can’t seem to get anything else down that makes sense. I don’t think that much of this entry makes sense but I don’t want to deal with it right now. I’m sorry.
3/18/98
Hello folks. I don’t really know why I came here today as nothing out of the ordinary has happened lately, but I still can’t seem to shake this sense of impending doom that has been hanging over me. I’ve really just been pretty numb for the past several weeks and can’t figure out why. I’ve tried to think about it, but my mind refuses to cooperate. About a month ago, an elderly relative of mine died. We had gotten close in the past several years, but I’ve yet to experience real grief at the relative’s passing. In fact the only emotions I seem capable of these days is rage and hatred. To make matters worse I am no longer able to control these feelings. They bubble up out of nowhere when I least expect it. I haven’t really blown up at work yet, but I know the day is coming soon. I can be sitting at my job just working away by myself and maybe someone will walk through my aisle. Nothing tragic there except I can feel my blood pressure rise and I want to scream at them and throw them up against the wall. For absolutely no reason at all. So far I’ve been able to control doing anything physical, but I don’t know for how much longer. The other day I was talking to #1 on the phone and the subject of the upcoming Easter holiday was broached. All I remember is wanting to cry. It means having to go see the elder. And for what? It’s all a sham in my family, this illusion of closeness and togetherness. #1 and I only do it because it is expected of us and also because doing it is easier than having to deal with the backlash if we don’t. Two cousins of mine just recently had babies which causes problems with the elder as neither #1 or I have children, nor will we. #1 just doesn’t really like kids and I just don’t want to be bothered. I can’t deal with myself, never mind a child. But the elder loves to moan about the fact that there will never be grandchildren. OH HELL! I think I have to go now. I thought that writing here would help me today like it usually does, but it’s just making me more depressed.
Goodbye,
5/28/98
Hi. I am here today because I cannot cope with the discrimination that is rampant in today’s world. Why do some people get the breaks when they do nothing to earn it, while others do their best and work hard and get shit on for their troubles. I am so tired of being taken for granted, and when they do notice you it’s just to walk all over you. I just wish for once that I can be appreciated for my work. Or at least if you won’t recognize my efforts, then don’t bother me at all. Don’t look to me to cover your slack or get you out of a tight spot, because I know that when the heat is on you are pointing your finger in my direction. Just be careful that next time I don’t chop it off. Just because I don’t have any fancy college degrees doesn’t mean that I can’t contribute anything worthwhile. You might be amazed if you actually listened to what I have to say. I guess that’s about it for now. This therapy is helping me less and less as time goes on and I really fear for me and anyone around me. Please God, just don’t let me hurt anyone. Especially if they don’t deserve it.
8/19/98
Hello everyone. Yes, I am back again. You may be happy to learn that it’s not the elder again this time as things are pretty good on that front for now. I’m sure that will change. Anyway, today’s topic is once again work. Specifically my work. I have recently been moved to yet another area (against my will, but they tell me I’m good at many things) this time where I need to sometimes have contact with our customers. I’ve tried to tell them that this is not really a good idea but they don’t seem to want to listen to me. The fools, they will learn. So far I’ve been able to avoid the customer contact but yesterday that all came to an end. It wasn’t even that I had to do something that I know in my heart of hearts I’m not cut out to do, it was the way it all happened. I was basically tricked into speaking to a customer on the phone. That’s what did it for me, and of course I’m not allowed to have any feelings on this at all. All I’ve ever asked for it to have people I deal with play fair with me. Don’t lie to me, because I’m not going to lie to you. If you tell me up front what you expect from me we will certainly get along much better. One thing I can’t stand is to be patronized. Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear when you know that’s not reality. Because when the truth comes out there will be hell to pay. I have, through circumstance, become a firm believer in revenge. I will get you back, but in a subtle way. I won’t slash your tires or anything stupid and juvenile like that. I will just do things like…if you insist on treating me like I’m a moron then that’s how I will act. For instance, we actually have a person in a position of authority who believes that anyone who doesn’t have a college degree doesn’t have enough intelligence to even know when they are being insulted. This from a person who doesn’t know how to read a simple report even though it’s a responsibility of the position this person holds. This person has actually said to our faces that we are “not important” and we are of a “lower level.” And then expects us to not feel degraded. Alrighty then, at least now I know the rules. I can definitely play this game. The way I get my revenge is when this person asks me something about a job I just say that I don’t know. Then this person has to go to meetings with the upper echelon and not know what is going on because this person doesn’t know how to find the information themselves. Now who looks stupid? That is just one of the ways I do it. VENGENCE IS MINE!!!!!! Is all this childish and petty? You bet, but at least it gets me through the days and from my point of view that’s the important thing. I guess that’s it for now. I’m not feeling particularly depressed right now, just very mean and hateful.
Later,
9/28/98
Just wanted to write to say that another birthday has passed. It went okay except for the fact that I was as sick as a dog. I’m just starting to feel better so I guess that’s good news. I did have an incident that happened a couple of weeks ago now. The tenant that lives just above me decided in the middle of the night to call the cops and tell them that I was harassing this tenant. Pretty impossible for someone who makes it their business to keep to themselves. Anyway, it has pretty much quieted down but it did serve to reinforce my hatred and distrust in my fellow human beings. After speaking to me the cops were sure that the allegations were false but the point is that this freak of nature has invaded my personal space. There is no forgiveness. I spoke to my landlord after the incident and found out that this tenant (who had only been in residence for a couple weeks when this all happened) is already on thin ice in our compound. The landlord is looking for a legal way to evict this tenant. In a short space of time this tenant has caused more trouble than any of the rest of us put together. My landlord has told me that I have nothing to worry about as I have been a great tenant for many years. I guess that’s good, but it just makes me angry that someone will do things like this. Especially since I go out of my way to not cause trouble with anyone. I keep to myself and don’t bother anyone and expect the same in return. That’s okay, every dog has it’s day. And if this freak continues to mess with me, it’s day will come soon. I suppose I’ll go now, mainly because I have nothing more to say. Good-bye.
8/25/99
Hey, I bet you thought you wouldn’t hear from me again, huh? It’s been almost a year since I’ve written anything here, mainly because I have simply been mentally incapicitated. Not put away or anything, but just not able to cope with anything. I functioned in daily life adequately enough but not well, you know? Most of my time at home has been spent in bed, sleep being the only refuge available to me at this time. Sleep and alcohol can get you through a lot of troubled times. But even that’s only temporary. One good thing has happened to me since I last wrote. I am no longer in the apartment below the freak tenant mentioned in the above entry. I now rent a great little house in the same compound. I am finally all by myself. At least that’s one good thing in my life. The elder hasn’t been too bad lately, except where #1 is concerned. See #1 has recently left the spouse and the elder has problems with the way #1 chooses to live life. I have been dealing with the backlash and I think I may have gotten through to the elder where #1 is concerned. Maybe, hopefully. Knock wood. Work of course sucks as usual. I recently got myself out of a nasty situation, where I had to work with someone who has an ego as big as this damn world. And no talent or know-how to back it up. Now this person is on their own and showing their true colors to everyone. They have enough rope and now they are slowly hanging themself (sp?). But not fast enough for me. I’ve finally moved into an area at work where I am by myself in a corner. I just started there so hopefully everyone in the company will forget I exist and leave me alone in peace. Anyway, I just thought I would touch base and let everyone who might be concerned know that I am still, unfortunately, alive.
Later,
1/27/01
Hello everyone. I haven’t been here in sooooooo long because…I don’t really know why. Things still basically suck in my world, but for the most part I’ve been dealing with it fairly well. I actually have immersed myself so deeply into the cyber world that the time I spend online numbs me enough to deal with everything else. The inner turmoils are still there, raging as always but somehow I still function. I know, I’m as amazed as you are. As far as my job goes, I still have it. That in itself is a miracle. I read in one of my earlier posts that I had been moved to an area where I just was kind of in a corner by myself. Well, I was moved again about a year ago now to a spot buried even deeper within the bowels of the company. It is pure Heaven. I do my work and listen to my music and play with my pc and emerge from my cacoon only rarely. I even let a select few in occasionally. I hope they know what an honor that is (just kidding). The place is still crawling with pompous, arrogant morons but if I stay in my hole and keep contact to a minimum then all is as well as it can be for me. As for my home life, that’s actually not going as badly as it has in the past. The elder seems to have undergone a change of some sort and is really being good. Sure, there are still some problems here and there. Like when #1 moved in with the new mate shortly after leaving the spouse. That was a fun time I can tell you. #1 has actually been through hell in the past year or so. A small breakdown followed by a stint in a rehab center (we have a definite love for alcohol in our little family), but things seem to be going smoother now for #1. I’ve just pretty much withdrawn more over time. Another one of my pets died a few months ago at the age of 17. This pet had been with me the longest and the death was painful. But you go on, right? Anyway, I don’t have much more to say right now. Just thought I would pop in to say that I am still maintaining, a fact that I am very proud of. Bye.
