I know it’s been more than a month since I’ve posted anything. I didn’t have anything good to say and way to much bad stuff to say so I just didn’t say anything. But now I’m here so…

Things of course have gotten worse. My thoughts and feelings are really beyond my control these days. My anger is constant and just below the surface and I’m having a very hard time keeping it there. It started showing itself a bit more than I’d like at work and that’s been causing me much trouble. I’ve been keeping my mouth shut like a good little girl but the things my mind is coming up with are frightening. Frightening in the fact that I like it not that I fear it. I revel in the visions of all the stupid motherfuckers I come across in everyday life and in the street all mutilated and bloody, knowing they are that way because I made them that way. I hurt THEM. I find that calming…Is that wrong?

Unfortunately that calm feeling only lasts a little while then the need to actually make those visions reality takes over. Of course I don’t act on it, at least not with them but I want to so badly. Ah well bitching and moaning never got me anything good so I guess I should turn over a new leaf, yeah? Stop and smell the roses maybe…NOT! No one gives me a break, no one thinks about me at all so I don’t feel the need to extend that courtesy to them and I won’t anymore. I’ll put me first and I’ll do for me. Everyone else can go fuck themselves for their self-centeredness (is that a word?) and their selfishness. Whatever will they all do when I’m no longer around to be the whipping boy. To be the one who takes the shit and gets the short end of the stick so they can all feel good about themselves. I won’t do them that favor forever but they don’t even give a thought to the fact that I just might have my limits and that I have reached said limit and will take whatever steps I need to to put a stop to it. And there won’t be a fucking thing they can do to stop me. They have no control over that, that is mine alone.

And the icing on the cake? I got me a fucking cold. Life sucks then you die…sometimes just not soon enough.

So yeah, today was my annual review at work and I’m not sure it’s worth it. What they do is they take you into a room, give you your review paperwork and leave you alone for a few minutes to read it through. Now first off them taking me into a room, in light of recent past events, is a scary proposition for me. But anyway, I start reading the review and get to the part about…can’t remember the exact wording but something to the effect of considering other workers feelings and shit. Of course I got bad marks there and the thing that was supposed to be completely over & forgotten and never referred to again was mentioned in my review. Twice. So much for letting bygones be bygones and me having a clean slate.

Well that crap was bad enough but I also got dinged for my quality being slightly lower that it should but no mention of the fact that I talked to them about that exact issue a few times saying it was because of all the bullshit going on around me. The fact that since I’ve been moved to a different seat my quality is back up above where it should be apparently holds no weight. The final result is that my raise was a paltry sum although according to them it’s not bad considering their high end of raises (for the UNbeautiful people that is) is insulting in itself.

It just angers me that the only thing I ever had which was my work reputation, is gone. I have nothing anymore. Well maybe that’s good because if you have nothing then you lose nothing when the whole fucking show is over. Makes the end easier, no?

Everytime I’m out of mom’s sight, she has to come looking for me. And when she finds me she always asks “Where were you?”. That pisses me off more than I can say. It’s a small house and anyone with half a brain that knows me, knows I’m not gonna be out anywhere so…where the fuck do you think I am. Seriously.