I have a feeling that this will be my last alone time.

But there were a few goods parts too. Yeah, I’m as amazed as anyone about that. In the beginning of the year I started a new pastime that I really think I could enjoy especially if family wasn’t interfering (yep, there’s that bad stuff again!). I’ll explain. I started creating stained glass stuff. I could really get into this as it’s an incredible feeling to watch something come to life and know that it’s because *I* made it happen. Now for the bad part…Mom insisted that I pursue this hobby out in the garage. I would have setup my workstation in the house like a real person would but having to listen to Mom go on and on about it was too much to deal with, so I setup in the garage. It’s not that that is a totally bad place to do something like this but it means that here in the boiling pit of hell that I live in I can’t work on anything in the summer months (which out here is about 6 months long)…it’s just too fucking hot. And there is also the thing about Mom starting her usual panic rant about money anytime I say I want to buy more glass. So yeah, that shit does take some of the passion out of things. But in the short time that I was able to work on stained glass I created something that I am really proud of (see image on right). This is something I hope to continue with.

The second good thing came out of having to take a break from the the first good thing – the stained glass stuff. Since I couldn’t work on the stained glass during the summer months, in August I started creating themes for WordPress to be distributed publicly thru my new site The Cloisters. Much to my pleasure and surprise, my themes are fairly successful. And it really is a great feeling when someone likes something that I had an incredible amount of fun creating. It’s awesome! So check out the site and maybe download one of my themes – I offer pretty decent support too!

The third good thing was getting to go back east for a week in June. I swear the minute the plane landed back there I felt I was home. That’s a feeling I haven’t had since I came out here to this desert wasteland. I do have some pictures that I took and will eventually get up on this site. And since I already wrote about the trip in the post Back Home Again, I won’t repeat things here.

I think maybe I’ll stop here and try, for once, to keep things light and end this hellish year on a positive note. So Happy Holidays to everyone and here’s hoping 2009 will bring some good changes.

In the same article there were what I think were supposed to be “oh pity me” sob stories but I have zero sympathy for these people, in fact I feel rage since they are examples of the problem. The first story was about a 26 year old woman who bought a 750 sq ft house for $132,000.00 with only $2,000.00 down with a sub prime loan. She’s paying 13% interest! Someone like her should NOT have bought a house nor should any bank have given her a loan. She now will most likely lose her house.

The second situation was an older woman who bought a house with no money down for a monthly mortgage of $1,400.00 a month. The stupid fucking cow only made $2,000.00 a month from 2 jobs, one she has since lost. Another foreclosure in the making.

I think we should take all the banks that gave people like these women loans and string them up. It’s criminal.

Yeah. If that doesn’t suck big time I don’t know what does.

So I spent my Easter redoing my sister’s computer. Totally wiping 3 years worth of crap out and putting it all back again. Of course there were glitches and bumps in the road as they do insist on still using Windows, but I got it done. One of the glitches was that there was no drivers disc and I had to go searching the internet for them all. Now what gets me is if you ask me to do this for you then have some fucking faith that I know what I’m doing. When the internet didn’t immediately work my brother-in-law went into a panic because he couldn’t get his email and my sister was freaking about something with the firefox and their internet provider (still not sure what). EITHER YOU HAVE THE FAITH IN ME OR DON’T FUCKING ASK ME TO DO THIS!!!!!

To further the fun on this my sister apparently mentioned her issue to my mother who, mentioned it to me. I explained as best I could considering I didn’t even know what the problem was and mom, in wanting to help, called my sister back to tell her what I said. A fight of sorts ensued and we’re back in the shit. I can’t stand this anymore. My sister said to me that she doesn’t understand why mom always has to be in the middle of everything. Well that’s the way it’s always been and always will be. And since mom is MY responsibility she and I are a package deal. Now I really don’t like this but since it seems to be up to me to do everything for and concerning mom or taking her where she needs to go, then that’s how it is. For example because I couldn’t (because of financial and my job issues) take mom back east for the funerals of her 2 sisters and her brother, she didn’t get to go. Now if mom was a shared thing between my sister and I (as it SHOULD be), then my sister could have taken her back for at least 1 funeral. But since my sister didn’t think she had to and didn’t want to then she also believes mom is my sole responsibility as if she were my child instead of my mother.

If you read this, thank you.

I’ve always been a standoffish, loner type person. All my life. It’s been a constant source of dischord within my family. Actually I should say just with my mother, my sister is actually very cool and accepting of my behavior.

Anyway, all through my childhood and teenage years I pretty much just quietly moved along in the background. Did what I wanted and basically learned to fend for myself. I got really good at it too. Eventually I moved out on my own, to another state from where my family is based. Had to do it. The usual battles over the years with the family over my, shall we say lack of interest in joining in life. I basically became a recluse. It’s the only way that I know how to deal. I work full time, so that is plently of (forced) human interaction everyday. I’ll talk more about work at another time, it’s a story in itself. Now I know my Mother loves me and I love her (that is actually up for debate right now), but she doesn’t know when to stop. She never paid much attention to my comings and goings when I was growing up, my sister was pretty wild and Mom was concerned with that, but after my sister and I grew up and went out on our own Mom decided that she was going to start being a “mommy” to me. That is not what I need especially at this point in my life. I’m an adult, leave me alone. You have to understand, Mom has an opinion on everything. That in itself is not necessarily bad, but when she insists that her opinions and views are right and everyone else is wrong that’s where the problems start. And to add to the fun, about 5 years ago Mom moved in with me. Into my home, my routine, my sanctuary. I am trying my best to be patient and understanding but she just won’t stop. She questions everything that I do, don’t do and assumes she knows what I’m thinking and feeling. She would surely freak if she did know what I was thinking and feeling. Hence this journal, I can get things out here and maybe just maybe be able to maintain control of my reactions. Of course if I sit here typing for too long I get things like…”What are you doing in there so long?” or “Do you always have to be sitting in front of that thing?”. Again, I know these things don’t seem so bad but if you remember I’ve spent my life not really answering to anyone. She can’t understand or accept my misanthropic ways, so of course to her that means I’m wrong. She doesn’t realize that my staying by myself is the only way that I know how to keep control of my hostile and often violent thoughts and reactions to things. I hate having my every move questioned and analyzed. Just leave me alone, you ignored me most of my life so don’t start invading me now. I am so afraid that I’m going to say something I shouldn’t. It’s always right below the surface. My only relief these days is either being on the computer (Mom is pretty computer illiterate and really not interested), or sleeping. Of course if I say that I want to go to sleep, or even just go into my room, and she doesn’t feel it’s an appropriate time I hear about it. I can’t believe that as an adult I’m back to seeking asylum in my room, just like when I was growing up. Except that when I was growing up I had basic freedom and privacy.

Oh well, I guess that’s enough for now.

And thanks for listening.