Later that morning my mother called to give me the scoop. She was talking to another of our neighbors who apparently had gone over to find out what was going on. He said that the police raided the house and found a huge stash of guns. I don’t know if they found anything else since the cops weren’t telling him much (which sucks as I think we have a right to know what we’re living with). God only knows what else was going on in that house, especially considering the area of the country we’re in. While he was there he saw the Crime Scene folks taking pictures and doing their thing. As a corrections officer he pretty much knew what he was seeing and he said there were all kinds of automatic weapons and assault rifles in the pile. He was worried which of course worries me.

Of course there was nothing in the paper about this since we’re not the upper class areas. It really pisses me off that this shit goes on. It pisses me off that my mother and I and our neighbors don’t feel safe in our own homes. But what can you do when our government doesn’t seem to believe in protecting law abiding citizens.

I am also looking into getting one of those fancy locking mailboxes because of the fools who love to drive around neighborhoods, during the day mind you, and steal people’s mail. I guess they want to make sure our state stays at the top the the identity theft list. I won’t drive 2 feet down the road without my car doors locked because the rate of carjacking is so high.

And before anyone decides that this is just my paranoia kicking up again, I can say with absolute certainty that it’s not. I watch the local news and read the local papers where stories of all the home invasions, murders, rapes, assaults, vandalism, carjackings, etc are prominent on almost a daily basis. I drive around this town and see more houses with alarms and grates on the windows and doors than not. Hell, it’s even in my own neighborhood. The cars on either side of me were broken into, and across the street not only had one of their cars broken into but another car parked in front of their house was tipped over onto it’s roof! I guess the only reason my car hasn’t been bothered is because I use my garage as a garage, not a storage shed. And let’s not forget all of the gang markings all over the place. And up in the north end of town (the self proclaimed upper class area – they insist on having their own name) someone was going around in the middle of the night setting fire to cars parked in driveways. Constant drug related shootings and such. The crime is rampant in this shithole of a town I’m currently stuck in and I’m scared to death.

So thanks to all the bleeding heart liberals and all the people who are soft on crime, this is our world now and I fear it’s only going to get worse. God help us all.

It’s like the story I read a while back. A woman was in a store and came on a group of young girls (they seem to be the WORST) blocking an aisle. She said “excuse me” a couple times before the girls got annoyed and turned on her creating a scene because she was “bothering” them. She then just turned away and proceeded to finish her shopping. She said for the rest of the time these girls followed her around the store staring, laughing and making comments. They followed her out to her car and stood nearby watching her while she loaded up her purchases. She said she remembers being scared the whole time. Simply because she wanted to go past them and they felt it was appropriate to verbally abuse her and continue to intimidate her. And we are supposed to feel secure about these kids being our future. It’s truly frightening.

I get no comfort from people, only pain.

I went through this getting-in-trouble-for-cursing thing back east too. That (and that pesky little knife incident) got me sent for evaluation and counseling. Thank God I quit before they had the satisfaction of firing me.

And yes I do realize the irony of all the cursing I’ve done in this post. Go tell it to the boss, cause I’m not interested.

she sits in the corner,
bleeding and silent tears roll down her face.
she wants to cry out.
she opens her mouth,
nothing comes out.
this weary soldier must suffer in silence yet again.
no noise can escape her tender lips.
she is hiding from the enemy,
alone in the darkness.
then she realizes,
she has one last option.
to take her own life!
before the god of life can be her salvation.
she pulls out her “survival” knife,
*ironic huh?*
the very knife that has saved her in the past,
will now be her very grim fate,
a fate that we all share.
she puts it to her tender skin,
and makes the line,
the precise cut, one last cut.
darkness now engulfs her.
the demons of hell accept her.
another demonic angel of death.
this soldiers battle has ended.

You know, I’m barely hanging on by one finger here and for some reason I can’t totally let go. Please just let me finally fall over the edge. It would be such blessed relief.

WHY CAN’T I JUST LET GO ONCE AND FOR ALL!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Please. I’m so tired and scared and alone. Why won’t it stop? I have no safe place to go, no one to talk to.

Know what the fucking shrink told me to do? Buy a book. On anger management. When everything built up to a breaking point of sorts and I finally showed some emotion, I was condenmed. Sent to a therapist who told me that my anger wasn’t healthy but didn’t seem too interested in finding out why I was so angry. Just told me to buy a book and read it and learn to control my emotions so that everyone around me could feel safe and comfortable again. That’s what they want from me at home and that’s what they want from me at work. So I’m trying my best to give them that, and it’s slowly killing me. Christ, I’m even torturing myself. How’s that for pathetic. So here I am internalizing like a bugger and they’re still not happy. You can force me to do what you want but you can’t force me to be happy about it. Especially when I realize that I’ve never been happy. Thinking back, there was never a time that I was happy and safe and comfortable with life. Never. All my life, up to this very day, people think that if they ignore a problem it will just go away. But it doesn’t. It just festers and gets worse. And that’s held against me to. First off, I’m really bad at game playing. Especially when the rules contantly change. I’m not good at guessing either. Can’t they help just a little bit? I figured that as long as I gave them what they wanted and kept them happy that they would leave me alone. That’s not the case, not by a long shot. They’ve taken everything from me. My humanity, my esteem, my will, my soul. And they still want more. I don’t have any more to give.

Why won’t they just leave me alone? Fuck.