I don’t know where to begin. My mind is so jumbled right now I can’t seem to make sense of anything. I guess I need to know the answer to the question of “Why am I to never be considered?” What I want, feel or need never seems to come into play. What did I do to make people think I don’t count? Why do people think they can just do or say whatever they want to me and I won’t have any type of feeling or reaction to it? I’m expected to just sit there and listen to whatever nasty thing someone wants to say to me and accept it. Apparently I’m incapable of ever doing anything right. Or even thinking right. I guess if you look at things from their point of view, how could I, an adult person, possible know what’s right for me? Seriously, it amazes me all the time. Everyone knows what my problem is and how I should fix it. Maybe that’s why my mind is so fucked up, because everyone else in my life is in there with me. They have to be in there, because how else could they possible know what I’m thinking or feeling. And they don’t just act like they are assuming or even (God forbid) trying to understand. They are positive that they know. I don’t even fucking know me, how could they? Of course I never do anything right either. Everyone wonders why I’m so fucking antisocial. It’s because I am never sure how I’m supposed to be. They never tell me until after I’ve screwed up. But I can’t even learn from that because it’s never the same. It’s just easier, on me anyway, to avoid people whenever possible. Right now, at home I’m being forced to do something I really don’t want to do. I finally ran out of strength and gave in to them. So now that they got what they want, you’d think they would be happy right? Of course not. Not only am I expected to do something I seriously do not want to do, but I’m supposed to be happy about it so that they can feel good about forcing me. You know come to think of it, it’s not like that just at home. It’s the same way at work. I just need to know what I did that was so bad that I’m not to be given any basic human consideration. People actually get offended and pissed off if I try to assert myself. How and when did I become such a nobody? And if I’m such a nobody why is everyone so determined to overtake me.
You know, I’m barely hanging on by one finger here and for some reason I can’t totally let go. Please just let me finally fall over the edge. It would be such blessed relief.
WHY CAN’T I JUST LET GO ONCE AND FOR ALL!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Please. I’m so tired and scared and alone. Why won’t it stop? I have no safe place to go, no one to talk to.
Know what the fucking shrink told me to do? Buy a book. On anger management. When everything built up to a breaking point of sorts and I finally showed some emotion, I was condenmed. Sent to a therapist who told me that my anger wasn’t healthy but didn’t seem too interested in finding out why I was so angry. Just told me to buy a book and read it and learn to control my emotions so that everyone around me could feel safe and comfortable again. That’s what they want from me at home and that’s what they want from me at work. So I’m trying my best to give them that, and it’s slowly killing me. Christ, I’m even torturing myself. How’s that for pathetic. So here I am internalizing like a bugger and they’re still not happy. You can force me to do what you want but you can’t force me to be happy about it. Especially when I realize that I’ve never been happy. Thinking back, there was never a time that I was happy and safe and comfortable with life. Never. All my life, up to this very day, people think that if they ignore a problem it will just go away. But it doesn’t. It just festers and gets worse. And that’s held against me to. First off, I’m really bad at game playing. Especially when the rules contantly change. I’m not good at guessing either. Can’t they help just a little bit? I figured that as long as I gave them what they wanted and kept them happy that they would leave me alone. That’s not the case, not by a long shot. They’ve taken everything from me. My humanity, my esteem, my will, my soul. And they still want more. I don’t have any more to give.
Why won’t they just leave me alone? Fuck.