I am also looking into getting one of those fancy locking mailboxes because of the fools who love to drive around neighborhoods, during the day mind you, and steal people’s mail. I guess they want to make sure our state stays at the top the the identity theft list. I won’t drive 2 feet down the road without my car doors locked because the rate of carjacking is so high.

And before anyone decides that this is just my paranoia kicking up again, I can say with absolute certainty that it’s not. I watch the local news and read the local papers where stories of all the home invasions, murders, rapes, assaults, vandalism, carjackings, etc are prominent on almost a daily basis. I drive around this town and see more houses with alarms and grates on the windows and doors than not. Hell, it’s even in my own neighborhood. The cars on either side of me were broken into, and across the street not only had one of their cars broken into but another car parked in front of their house was tipped over onto it’s roof! I guess the only reason my car hasn’t been bothered is because I use my garage as a garage, not a storage shed. And let’s not forget all of the gang markings all over the place. And up in the north end of town (the self proclaimed upper class area – they insist on having their own name) someone was going around in the middle of the night setting fire to cars parked in driveways. Constant drug related shootings and such. The crime is rampant in this shithole of a town I’m currently stuck in and I’m scared to death.

So thanks to all the bleeding heart liberals and all the people who are soft on crime, this is our world now and I fear it’s only going to get worse. God help us all.

The mask I wear is many. I can be what you want me to be. You say jump, I say how high. I do not wish to cause trouble, only wish to please. You ask me how I’m doing, I say just fine, no reason to bother you with my troubles. The world sees my smile when deep inside I feel nothing, empty – so many emotions bottled up, I’ve lost who I am, what I am and have no idea how to really live. Some people can slam doors, pick fights, exercise their emotions out, and even talk about it. Me, I wear my emotions on my body, the marks I possess screaming to be heard, wishing I could just say the words to end my pain. The mask I wear is what gets me through. I cannot let others see me as weak, I am supposed to be the strong one. The one that is there for everyone else but me. My smile lets everyone know I’m all right, no problems here. My smile deludes my heart into thinking everything is ok, this is my world and how its going to be. My laugh is heard so much, tears are never seen, or noticed. My booming voice is loud above others so they may not see what I think in my silent moments. I take control, I’m a leader, so that others won’t see that I’m weak, that I really just want to be accepted and allow to be completely human. I succeed so that others don’t see how worthless I really am. If I fail, it only cements my worthlessness.

I wear my mask every day, every hour, every minute. Even when I put the blade to my arm, my mask says its ok. This is my release, this is my prison. The world sees my smile, but they do not see me. They don’t see my true feelings, don’t see me weep inside, wishing I was good enough to live. They don’t see how I fight myself every minute of the day. Don’t see how I can’t look at myself in the mirror. They don’t see me bleed in my weakest moments – the only way for me to feel, to know I’m real.

The world sees my mask, but they do not see me.
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“The Great Pretenders”

We are the great pretenders. We struggle and battle ourselves, but when in the presence of others, magically our worries are shoved down, a smile put on. We try so hard to please everyone, show everyone we’re all right. But they don’t see the pain when we’re alone. The tears we can’t cry, the anxiety of trying to muster a smile. They don’t see how we sit alone, wanting to join in the activities, but too afraid of saying the wrong things, too frightened because you don’t know what mood you’re in, how you’ll act. But when push comes to shove, a laugh and a joke can always be reached. We’re too afraid to let others know what’s going on – it’s a weakness to us. They just couldn’t understand.

How we can be alone even if we’re the life of a party. Because behind that laugh and joke, is a secret hidden pain that slowly eats us alive. It’s a pain that makes us forget who cares, makes us forget what living is for. You want strength? You wanna know who the strongest are? Well that’s us. Because we live every day, battling, fighting, living. It’d be so easy to give in, it’d be so easy to end it all, but somehow we get the strength to live every day. We get the strength to give a smile, laugh and hide our secret pain from others.

Yes, we are the great pretenders.