Muted Lunacy » Hell

Oh boy

No One — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 14:34:29 +0000

A friend from work sent me a link to a personality test and I decided to take it for the hell of it. If I wasn’t worried about myself before, this definitely gives me something to think about.

I’m posting the results here because…I can’t think of a good reason not to.

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Very High
Schizoid: High
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: Low
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html

Poem

No One — Fri, 21 Sep 2007 10:56:40 +0000

**Not written by me. Found it on the ‘net.**

she sits in the corner,
bleeding and silent tears roll down her face.
she wants to cry out.
she opens her mouth,
nothing comes out.
this weary soldier must suffer in silence yet again.
no noise can escape her tender lips.
she is hiding from the enemy,
alone in the darkness.
then she realizes,
she has one last option.
to take her own life!
before the god of life can be her salvation.
she pulls out her “survival” knife,
*ironic huh?*
the very knife that has saved her in the past,
will now be her very grim fate,
a fate that we all share.
she puts it to her tender skin,
and makes the line,
the precise cut, one last cut.
darkness now engulfs her.
the demons of hell accept her.
another demonic angel of death.
this soldiers battle has ended.

The Spiral Down

No One — Sat, 30 Sep 2006 06:38:11 +0000

I’m suffocating and really can’t take much more. I’m doing my best to hold on but I’m having a really hard time. The constant sense of “bad” has gotten to be all comsuming. There is no outlet for it anymore and the resulting overload is taking it’s toll. I need some time to break and I’m obviously not going to get it. Otherwise the inevitable downfall will be irreversible I think. Hell the damage already done can’t be undone anymore. I used to want my life back so I could be and maybe enjoy some things again. Now I just want it back so I can be left completely alone. Maybe then the terrible feelings inside can be laid to rest some.

And panic attacks? Try having one and NOT letting anyone know about it, NOT letting it show. Quite the feat I assure you. I’m actually proud of myself for pulling it off though. I deserve an Oscar for it. Or at least a nomination.

“I’ll be there for you as long as it works for me.” Fuck you Trent for writing that line and forcing me to admit a very painful truth.

In A Perfect World

No One — Tue, 12 Sep 2006 20:47:31 +0000

This should be a good month for me because it’s my birthday. That would be true in a normal world, but remember this is MY WORLD. And it’s in no way normal. So what that brings me to is that this month is a bad month for me because it’s my birthday. And because it’s the month my mother moved in with me thereby totally invalidating me as an adult human being. I literally ceased to be a person. Amazing really. And I think maybe I have to agree with that because a real person would be in control of their lives (no matter what the outcome was, it would be their call). But I’m not and I think I’m partly to blame for that. How can I expect others to take me seriously or to take my feelings into consideration when I myself don’t. For instance, instead of me just coming out and telling my mother that she needs to back off and leave me the fuck alone I usually just keep my mouth shut because it’s easier and because I know she would take whatever I say wrong and be hurt. I don’t like to hurt people, and that’s why I also don’t just tell my sister that she needs to take more on where mom is concerned. She needs to take mom once in a blue moon for a few days and give me some quality time so I can catch my breath and regroup. But I don’t say that because I don’t want to start trouble or be the cause of trouble in her marriage. I worry about that specifically because I was warned by my cousin before we even moved out here not to do anything to hurt her relationship (fuck the fact that *I* am being destroyed though) and my sister has said herself that nothing will come between them. So the outcome is that she gets to live her life as she wants with minimum help for me and I live in a daily hell, partly of my own making because I won’t stand up for myself. What a fucking grimm dilemma.

So again I ask: how can I expect other people to consider me when I don’t? I realized that I put other people’s feelings before I do my own. I’d rather hurt myself than someone else. That’s pathetic and I don’t know how to change it.

Revelations Abounding

No One — Mon, 21 Aug 2006 19:56:13 +0000

I found this old journal entry written in March of 2003. It’s interesting how something you thought was going to help ended up making things tons worse. I’m refering specifically to the italicized bit below. See I always believed that my sister would be there for me if and when I really needed her. I believed that because she led me to believe it. But it’s like the line in the NIN song – “I’ll be there for you as long as it works for me.” So now not only do I still have all the other shit, but now I have to deal with the fact that the one thing that held any type of hope for me was nothing more than common bullshit and lies. The one and only person that I thought I could really count on…well, I guess I can’t. Hey, the illusion was nice while it lasted but the crash of realization is brutal.

I have finally admitted and accepted something that has been very prevalant in my mind recently. I think these feelings have been with me for a very long time but it’s just in the last year or so that they have solidified and actually taken on a life of their own. Self-hatred, destruction and death have been the all consuming emotions raging through me lately. For as long as I can remember I’ve felt worthless. Hell, I found out several years ago that I was concieved as a way to try and save my parent’s marriage and I failed miserably at that! They divorced when I was 4. So I’ve always been basically useless. And Lord knows I never live up to anyone else’s standards. They never fail to remind me daily.

Anyway, back to the main point (is there one?). Suicide…in the last year this has been a constant thought going through my mind with a vengance. I mean it was always there for me as a last resort, but now it IS the only answer. Yet I still hesitate. I don’t really want to die, I just obviously don’t know how to live correctly. And I don’t know how to fix it to everyone’s satisfaction so maybe I’m thinking I should just finish it. Once and for all.

But I’m not gonna just yet. I have one last ditch plan. Starting a new life. Get out of this job which is killing me quickly and settle the home situation which is killing me quickER. The home situation is this: my mother moved in with me about a year and a half ago (I think I talked about this in earlier entries). Of course I’m not the one she really wants to be with, that would be my sister. And I don’t really blame her, my sister is great and I love her a whole lot. But mom is on me constantly, I think I’m a daily reminder of failure. I can’t even seem to breathe right around her. I can’t stand the constant intrusions into my life from her. And I also realized something that kind of shocked me. I think I love my mother but I know I don’t like her. That sickens me. I should not feel that way about the woman who gave me life (thanks for nothing ma!) whatever her twisted reasons might have been. Okay, back on track here – About a year ago my sister moved across the country and now we’re going out there too. I need my sister to be there to take some of mom’s focus off me. I need her to help shoulder the burden. Besides mom likes her better than she likes me, and I swear that’s not said with any trace of bitterness at all. I like my sister better than I like myself too. So no hard feelings there.

I know it’s not going to solve all the problems but it might ease them enough that those suicide thoughts are once again relegated back to the bowels of my warped little mind.

I guess that’s about it for the time being.