This should be a good month for me because it’s my birthday. That would be true in a normal world, but remember this is MY WORLD. And it’s in no way normal. So what that brings me to is that this month is a bad month for me because it’s my birthday. And because it’s the month my mother moved in with me thereby totally invalidating me as an adult human being. I literally ceased to be a person. Amazing really. And I think maybe I have to agree with that because a real person would be in control of their lives (no matter what the outcome was, it would be their call). But I’m not and I think I’m partly to blame for that. How can I expect others to take me seriously or to take my feelings into consideration when I myself don’t. For instance, instead of me just coming out and telling my mother that she needs to back off and leave me the fuck alone I usually just keep my mouth shut because it’s easier and because I know she would take whatever I say wrong and be hurt. I don’t like to hurt people, and that’s why I also don’t just tell my sister that she needs to take more on where mom is concerned. She needs to take mom once in a blue moon for a few days and give me some quality time so I can catch my breath and regroup. But I don’t say that because I don’t want to start trouble or be the cause of trouble in her marriage. I worry about that specifically because I was warned by my cousin before we even moved out here not to do anything to hurt her relationship (fuck the fact that *I* am being destroyed though) and my sister has said herself that nothing will come between them. So the outcome is that she gets to live her life as she wants with minimum help for me and I live in a daily hell, partly of my own making because I won’t stand up for myself. What a fucking grimm dilemma.

So again I ask: how can I expect other people to consider me when I don’t? I realized that I put other people’s feelings before I do my own. I’d rather hurt myself than someone else. That’s pathetic and I don’t know how to change it.

I found this old journal entry written in March of 2003. It’s interesting how something you thought was going to help ended up making things tons worse. I’m refering specifically to the italicized bit below. See I always believed that my sister would be there for me if and when I really needed her. I believed that because she led me to believe it. But it’s like the line in the NIN song – “I’ll be there for you as long as it works for me.” So now not only do I still have all the other shit, but now I have to deal with the fact that the one thing that held any type of hope for me was nothing more than common bullshit and lies. The one and only person that I thought I could really count on…well, I guess I can’t. Hey, the illusion was nice while it lasted but the crash of realization is brutal.

I have finally admitted and accepted something that has been very prevalant in my mind recently. I think these feelings have been with me for a very long time but it’s just in the last year or so that they have solidified and actually taken on a life of their own. Self-hatred, destruction and death have been the all consuming emotions raging through me lately. For as long as I can remember I’ve felt worthless. Hell, I found out several years ago that I was concieved as a way to try and save my parent’s marriage and I failed miserably at that! They divorced when I was 4. So I’ve always been basically useless. And Lord knows I never live up to anyone else’s standards. They never fail to remind me daily.

I guess that’s about it for the time being.