I used to think I knew, but now I’m not so sure. To me a home should be a safe place…it’s where you go to regroup from the pressures and stresses of life…where you can relax and be yourself. I no longer have a home. Yes, I have a house that I live in but it’s just that…a house that I live in. It’s not a home, I don’t feel comfortable or safe there. The stress and sense of alienation I feel are just as strong there as they are in the outside world. I don’t feel I belong. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I had everytime I was outside my home is now constant. It used to disappear whenever I walked through my door into my sanctuary but now it’s just as strong.

My home in the past (when I was young it was my bedroom) was always an extension of me. A comfortably eclectic mix of furniture and decor that enveloped and welcomed me every time I walked in the door. Then when my mother moved in, my “style” was relegated to boxes in the basement in favor of what made her comfortable and happy. Then there is the issue of non-material things…my sense of self was also banished. I can no longer be myself there, I have to continue the “make everyone else happy” persona that I had to create for the outside world inside now. The pressure is building and the cracks are beginning to show in a big way. And I feel powerless to stop it.

And at the risk of sounding like a drama queen, the thoughts of just quitting life are overtaking me again and the strength required to fight it just isn’t there anymore. And the people that should care don’t.

I’m back from the trip to my hometown back east. I can’t express how good it was to be back there. How calm I was (in anything that DIDN’T have to do with Mom or the shithole I live in now), and how much nicer an atmosphere there is there. By that I am talking in part of the people…to see a group of young people back there does NOT inspire fear and suspicion. People are pleasant and friendly. I felt safe outside at night. I felt I belonged. I saw my friends (not as much as I would have liked) and they treated me the same as they always did, like I haven’t been gone. It meant more to me than anyone will ever know.

And the town…a few changes but still basically the same. Simply lovely. Small and quiet. Being there reinforced the hatred I have for where I currently am. My homesickness is more than ever now. I will go back for good someday.

I know I have lots more to say but am still overwhelmed that I can’t find the words. But it was GREAT to be there. I didn’t get as many pictures as I wanted though, I suck at remembering to have the camera at hand. Below are some of the ones that I like the most.

Just for a week but that’s better than nothing. It’ll be so good to get back east where I belong. Where there’s green grass and REAL trees. Honest to goodness mountains instead of hills with delusions of granduer. Properly prepared Chinese food and authenic New Yawk style pizza! And rude people that I understand…no fake nice politcally correct crap there.

I’ll go see the couple friends I haven’t completely alienated and drive around to soak in all the goodness that is life on the east coast. And take LOTS of pictures.

And hopefully I can convince Mom that that is where we need to be. Housing market be damned! We can sell this albatross of a house for whatever we can get and leave this dirt-strewn shithole once and for all.

So yeah, I’m excited. I think this feeling might even be approaching…HAPPY!