As I was going through my “before bed” routine last night I realized that I’m living in a state of fear brought about in a big way by our current society. My “before bed” routine consists of making sure all the windows and doors (including the heavy duty security door) are locked up tight. I have to put a screwdriver in the track of my garage door because we have these fun-loving folks that get kicks out of driving around and using their garage door openers to open every door they can. I turn on the outside lights because out here in the desert we apparently do not believe in street lights. The last thing I do is the set the alarm system thus ensuring that I am indeed a prisoner in my own home.

I am also looking into getting one of those fancy locking mailboxes because of the fools who love to drive around neighborhoods, during the day mind you, and steal people’s mail. I guess they want to make sure our state stays at the top the the identity theft list. I won’t drive 2 feet down the road without my car doors locked because the rate of carjacking is so high.

And before anyone decides that this is just my paranoia kicking up again, I can say with absolute certainty that it’s not. I watch the local news and read the local papers where stories of all the home invasions, murders, rapes, assaults, vandalism, carjackings, etc are prominent on almost a daily basis. I drive around this town and see more houses with alarms and grates on the windows and doors than not. Hell, it’s even in my own neighborhood. The cars on either side of me were broken into, and across the street not only had one of their cars broken into but another car parked in front of their house was tipped over onto it’s roof! I guess the only reason my car hasn’t been bothered is because I use my garage as a garage, not a storage shed. And let’s not forget all of the gang markings all over the place. And up in the north end of town (the self proclaimed upper class area – they insist on having their own name) someone was going around in the middle of the night setting fire to cars parked in driveways. Constant drug related shootings and such. The crime is rampant in this shithole of a town I’m currently stuck in and I’m scared to death.

So thanks to all the bleeding heart liberals and all the people who are soft on crime, this is our world now and I fear it’s only going to get worse. God help us all.

I used to think I knew, but now I’m not so sure. To me a home should be a safe place…it’s where you go to regroup from the pressures and stresses of life…where you can relax and be yourself. I no longer have a home. Yes, I have a house that I live in but it’s just that…a house that I live in. It’s not a home, I don’t feel comfortable or safe there. The stress and sense of alienation I feel are just as strong there as they are in the outside world. I don’t feel I belong. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I had everytime I was outside my home is now constant. It used to disappear whenever I walked through my door into my sanctuary but now it’s just as strong.

My home in the past (when I was young it was my bedroom) was always an extension of me. A comfortably eclectic mix of furniture and decor that enveloped and welcomed me every time I walked in the door. Then when my mother moved in, my “style” was relegated to boxes in the basement in favor of what made her comfortable and happy. Then there is the issue of non-material things…my sense of self was also banished. I can no longer be myself there, I have to continue the “make everyone else happy” persona that I had to create for the outside world inside now. The pressure is building and the cracks are beginning to show in a big way. And I feel powerless to stop it.

And at the risk of sounding like a drama queen, the thoughts of just quitting life are overtaking me again and the strength required to fight it just isn’t there anymore. And the people that should care don’t.

I’m back from the trip to my hometown back east. I can’t express how good it was to be back there. How calm I was (in anything that DIDN’T have to do with Mom or the shithole I live in now), and how much nicer an atmosphere there is there. By that I am talking in part of the people…to see a group of young people back there does NOT inspire fear and suspicion. People are pleasant and friendly. I felt safe outside at night. I felt I belonged. I saw my friends (not as much as I would have liked) and they treated me the same as they always did, like I haven’t been gone. It meant more to me than anyone will ever know.

And the town…a few changes but still basically the same. Simply lovely. Small and quiet. Being there reinforced the hatred I have for where I currently am. My homesickness is more than ever now. I will go back for good someday.

I know I have lots more to say but am still overwhelmed that I can’t find the words. But it was GREAT to be there. I didn’t get as many pictures as I wanted though, I suck at remembering to have the camera at hand. Below are some of the ones that I like the most.