Especially when it’s done by family. Okay so the “whine du jour” happened yesterday, bear with me as I’m sure most will think it’s petty but to me it’s just another thing on top of all the others. Another hint that my sister does not get it.

So after I got out of work yesterday I had to run down to the reservation (about 5 miles PAST my house) for cigarettes for me and mom and I also had to go to the store for a few things including milk. At about 10:30 am my cell phone rang and it was my sister leaving a voice mail that she was going down to the house and would stop and get us milk thus saving me a trip after work. Now this is a nice gesture in itself and to be fair she at that time was not aware of the other things I needed to get so that meant I STILL had to do all the other running around. Okay fine…whatever.

Then about noon my phone rings again and as I was on a break and saw the call was again from my sister’s cell I answered it thinking that mom had told her about the other things I needed and that they were going to go out (instead of just sitting around the house) and get them for me, something I truly would have appreciated. But in reality’s cruel way it was just mom calling to tell me that after my sister got there she remembered the rest of the list and she was sorry that I still had to run errands and by the way could I add a few things to the list I already had?

The upshot is this…would it have killed my sister to say to mom that they would go and run the errands since neither one of them does anything all day anyway. No it wouldn’t have but still she didn’t want to put herself out, and mom didn’t feel comfortable asking her. That’s a fucking pathetic situation. It would have taken them no time at all whereas I (after working all day) have to fight the afternoon traffic and all the other people who are shopping after work. And I would have been thrilled.

Anyway, that’s it. I just have to hold on to my dream future where I can leave all people behind and just think about myself.

I used to think I knew, but now I’m not so sure. To me a home should be a safe place…it’s where you go to regroup from the pressures and stresses of life…where you can relax and be yourself. I no longer have a home. Yes, I have a house that I live in but it’s just that…a house that I live in. It’s not a home, I don’t feel comfortable or safe there. The stress and sense of alienation I feel are just as strong there as they are in the outside world. I don’t feel I belong. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I had everytime I was outside my home is now constant. It used to disappear whenever I walked through my door into my sanctuary but now it’s just as strong.

My home in the past (when I was young it was my bedroom) was always an extension of me. A comfortably eclectic mix of furniture and decor that enveloped and welcomed me every time I walked in the door. Then when my mother moved in, my “style” was relegated to boxes in the basement in favor of what made her comfortable and happy. Then there is the issue of non-material things…my sense of self was also banished. I can no longer be myself there, I have to continue the “make everyone else happy” persona that I had to create for the outside world inside now. The pressure is building and the cracks are beginning to show in a big way. And I feel powerless to stop it.

And at the risk of sounding like a drama queen, the thoughts of just quitting life are overtaking me again and the strength required to fight it just isn’t there anymore. And the people that should care don’t.

The other day I posted some of the views of the outside of my beloved little house back east. Now I’d like to share the few that I have of the inside. And although these were taken “AMI” (After Mom’s Invasion) they still remind me of a happier time when I had sanctuary in my haven. But this was a great place to live, located in a small township where you had the main drag and everyone knew everyone else kind of like the town I grew up in. But it was also only a mile or so from major highways, shopping and restaurants. And the landlords maintained a vegetable garden there that all the tenants (there were 2 houses and a building with 3 apartments) were free to take from. Yeah, I was pretty stupid to leave it.

Unfortunately I didn’t get pictures of the whole house, just the kitchen and the enclosed front porch. Anyway, enjoy!

This view was looking out the back of my house to the apartments my landlord also owned. The interesting thing is that the first floor windows there are the apartment I lived in before I moved across the driveway into the house.

This was my kitchen. It was old and really not all that functional, but I loved it. In the little cubby on the left hand side in the second picture was a nice little pantry. And being the handy person that I am, I built the cabinet doors and the radiator cover. I also installed a new floor, beadboard on the walls and installed a screen door leading out to the enclosed back porch but unfortunately I didn’t get any of those things in any pictures. Oh and the smiley face in the last picture is my cousin who would not be all that happy about having her picture published on the web. Just so you know.

The enclosed front porch, a tiny little room but all windows that looked out at the trees. Quite the cozy place to sit. It was especially nice to sit out there at night all bundled up on the couch and watch the snow fall. Very pretty and peaceful. The floor was cement and in a moment of inspiration I bought some cement floor paint and painted a cute area rug. Again though, stupid me never got pictures. I also installed the shutters on the windows.

An atmosphere picture. That’s my Maggie sunning herself in the front window.