Mom and I were talking about Christmas which as of this writing is only 11 days away and realized that neither of us seem to care about it. I realized that there is nothing I want…at least nothing I can have.

MY CHRISTMAS LIST:

I want this desert nightmare over with. I want this noose called a house out from around my neck. It’s just tight enough to cut off my breathing some but not quite tight enough to finish the job and give me peace. I want it over.

I want my old life back but have come to realize that I will NEVER have it again. Even after Mom is gone and I’m back on my own it won’t be the same because I’m not the same person I was almost 7 years ago when I came out to this hell on earth on a promise that didn’t exist. All the things I once enjoyed no longer mean anything to me, all the things I thought were real have revealed themselves to be just another lie. Even spending time on the computer means nothing. All it is for me is a sometimes distraction from the hurt, but even when I can achieve the distraction it’s only fleeting.

I want peace in my heart, mind and soul. I want all the bad things that I thought I had previously banished from my head to go away again. But I don’t think I’ll be able to get rid of them this time. They’ve got too deep a hold now and I can feel how deeply they’ve dug in but for the moment I don’t have the freedom to give them what they want because I’m stupid enough to still, after everything that’s gone on, think of and put other people first. I can’t leave Mom alone, especially out here.

I want the fear to go away. The fear of what is around every corner both literal and figurative. The fear of imposing myself on other people when it’s clear they don’t want me. The fear of what happens if I ask for something (respect? consideration? love?) that I obviously do not deserve nor have any right to. The fear of overstepping the boundries that have been set for me by other people. The fear of the future because I don’t have one iota of control over anything that happens.

I want the blackness that’s inside of me all the time now to go back to gray like it used to be.

So Santa, can you help me out with any of this? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Yesterday at work I found out that I just may become a statistic. Come the first of the year I probably will be unemployed. My department is being outsourced because the company is worried about “the bottom line…the profits”. I’M concerned about MY bottom line but I guess that’s my problem, right? Shit like this does not help the economy one iota. At least if it comes to it I should be eligible for unemployment since the loss of my job was not my fault, it’s being taken away from me.

Now my bosses have said that they will work with us to see if some of us can be placed in other positions within the company or even outside the company and of course I will do my best to remain employed but it just might not be possible. At least they are giving us plenty of notice so I’d best be getting my resume in order just in case. It just makes me a little angry that with things so bad in the economy companies will still do things that only make it worse. At this rate we’ll never recover.

Anyway, that’s the latest…

So I got hauled in to Human Resources for another talking to about my attitude yesterday.

This incident occurred at the gate as we were leaving for the day. Some girl (I think I know who she is) went to the HR manager lady and complained that one day while trying to exit the gate her car stalled and I was behind her gesturing and “saying bad things” (apparently she could read my lips – yeah right!) and the upshot was that she was very scared (GOOD!!!!!). She thought I was upset because her car stalled so I calmly explained to the Hr manager lady and my department head that I was upset about the fact that before she could get to the gate and stall out her car, she had come flying out of a side aisle without looking almost hitting me (I love how she didn’t tell them THAT part). THAT was what I was upset about, not that her car stalled.

So I have to ask again…what is with this “running and tattling to mommy and daddy” mentality we seem to have cultivated in our society these days. When I was a kid you were taught to fight your own battles. And haven’t any of these people today ever heard of the old “Sticks and Stones” saying? I know some think that I’m doing the same whining here and I am, but the difference is that here I’m not fucking with someone’s life. I’m not going to cause someone to lose their job because I think I’m all that and should be treated with kid gloves.

Anyway, we had pretty much the same talk as before…me explaining that there is too much stress in my life right now between home and work. Of course my department head tried to convince me that all this mandatory overtime (yes, 6 hours again this coming Saturday) was actually part of the job. No I beg to differ. My job is full time and according to the agreement I signed when I took the job that entails 40 hours a week, 8 hours a day Monday thru Friday. Period.

The upside here was that I was not put on corrective action this time, apparently I’m an excellent employee in every other respect, but it was STRONGLY suggested that I call the behavioral health hotline and get myself straightened out. And I actually agree with this. I know I need help and I want it. So that’s what I’m going to have to do. I’ll keep you informed.