Mom and I were talking about Christmas which as of this writing is only 11 days away and realized that neither of us seem to care about it. I realized that there is nothing I want…at least nothing I can have.

MY CHRISTMAS LIST:

I want this desert nightmare over with. I want this noose called a house out from around my neck. It’s just tight enough to cut off my breathing some but not quite tight enough to finish the job and give me peace. I want it over.

I want my old life back but have come to realize that I will NEVER have it again. Even after Mom is gone and I’m back on my own it won’t be the same because I’m not the same person I was almost 7 years ago when I came out to this hell on earth on a promise that didn’t exist. All the things I once enjoyed no longer mean anything to me, all the things I thought were real have revealed themselves to be just another lie. Even spending time on the computer means nothing. All it is for me is a sometimes distraction from the hurt, but even when I can achieve the distraction it’s only fleeting.

I want peace in my heart, mind and soul. I want all the bad things that I thought I had previously banished from my head to go away again. But I don’t think I’ll be able to get rid of them this time. They’ve got too deep a hold now and I can feel how deeply they’ve dug in but for the moment I don’t have the freedom to give them what they want because I’m stupid enough to still, after everything that’s gone on, think of and put other people first. I can’t leave Mom alone, especially out here.

I want the fear to go away. The fear of what is around every corner both literal and figurative. The fear of imposing myself on other people when it’s clear they don’t want me. The fear of what happens if I ask for something (respect? consideration? love?) that I obviously do not deserve nor have any right to. The fear of overstepping the boundries that have been set for me by other people. The fear of the future because I don’t have one iota of control over anything that happens.

I want the blackness that’s inside of me all the time now to go back to gray like it used to be.

So Santa, can you help me out with any of this? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

My Gothic Twitch site is now officially open! Since I decided I wanted to keep Muted Lunacy as a simple blog dedicated to one aspect of my life I moved some sections such as The Book Nook, The Screening Room and The Recipe Box over to Gothic Twitch. The Video Vault did not make the move, but may reappear in the future.

I also wanted to mention that the design of Gothic Twitch is actually not mine. It comes from a non-Wordpress template I downloaded several years ago and fell in love with. It was originally by created by pogy366 back in 2005.

I previously wrote about discovering that we had termites (read it here if you like). Well the termite guy was just here and did his thing. Total Cost = $0.00!!! Gotta love warranties!

I was pleased when he told me that our “infestation” really didn’t look too bad. He said that it takes about 8 to 12 months before real serious damage occurs and I don’t think ours has been going on more than a couple months. He said a good practice would be to just walk around the house maybe once or twice a month and make sure things stay clear.

Anyway, I am super relieved that not only didn’t it cost us anything but that it was caught soon enough that damage is absolutely minimal.