MY CHRISTMAS LIST:

I want this desert nightmare over with. I want this noose called a house out from around my neck. It’s just tight enough to cut off my breathing some but not quite tight enough to finish the job and give me peace. I want it over.

I want my old life back but have come to realize that I will NEVER have it again. Even after Mom is gone and I’m back on my own it won’t be the same because I’m not the same person I was almost 7 years ago when I came out to this hell on earth on a promise that didn’t exist. All the things I once enjoyed no longer mean anything to me, all the things I thought were real have revealed themselves to be just another lie. Even spending time on the computer means nothing. All it is for me is a sometimes distraction from the hurt, but even when I can achieve the distraction it’s only fleeting.

I want peace in my heart, mind and soul. I want all the bad things that I thought I had previously banished from my head to go away again. But I don’t think I’ll be able to get rid of them this time. They’ve got too deep a hold now and I can feel how deeply they’ve dug in but for the moment I don’t have the freedom to give them what they want because I’m stupid enough to still, after everything that’s gone on, think of and put other people first. I can’t leave Mom alone, especially out here.

I want the fear to go away. The fear of what is around every corner both literal and figurative. The fear of imposing myself on other people when it’s clear they don’t want me. The fear of what happens if I ask for something (respect? consideration? love?) that I obviously do not deserve nor have any right to. The fear of overstepping the boundries that have been set for me by other people. The fear of the future because I don’t have one iota of control over anything that happens.

I want the blackness that’s inside of me all the time now to go back to gray like it used to be.

So Santa, can you help me out with any of this? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

X Marks The Spot

Back home I was losing it fast but at least there was family support. I know I could count on my mother’s sisters to be there if needed whereas out here I don’t believe I can count on mine to be there, as least not in a way that I would need. I realize that she has a right to her own life but sometimes family obligations DO need to be met whether we like it or not. But I guess that’s water under the bridge now since I don’t think I even care anymore. I’ve accepted that I’m on my own with things and will deal as best I can but it will be the proverbial “last nail in my coffin”. With the way I now feel it’s as if I’ve already died and just need to allow my body to lie down which, if things continue the way they are, will be very soon. That’s a promise.

Anyway back to the original point of the post…Mom knows we need to go home and we have been discussing it. With her though it’ll be a drawn out drama filled thing but it’s become reality and for me that’s a positive thing.

But there were a few goods parts too. Yeah, I’m as amazed as anyone about that. In the beginning of the year I started a new pastime that I really think I could enjoy especially if family wasn’t interfering (yep, there’s that bad stuff again!). I’ll explain. I started creating stained glass stuff. I could really get into this as it’s an incredible feeling to watch something come to life and know that it’s because *I* made it happen. Now for the bad part…Mom insisted that I pursue this hobby out in the garage. I would have setup my workstation in the house like a real person would but having to listen to Mom go on and on about it was too much to deal with, so I setup in the garage. It’s not that that is a totally bad place to do something like this but it means that here in the boiling pit of hell that I live in I can’t work on anything in the summer months (which out here is about 6 months long)…it’s just too fucking hot. And there is also the thing about Mom starting her usual panic rant about money anytime I say I want to buy more glass. So yeah, that shit does take some of the passion out of things. But in the short time that I was able to work on stained glass I created something that I am really proud of (see image on right). This is something I hope to continue with.

The second good thing came out of having to take a break from the the first good thing – the stained glass stuff. Since I couldn’t work on the stained glass during the summer months, in August I started creating themes for WordPress to be distributed publicly thru my new site The Cloisters. Much to my pleasure and surprise, my themes are fairly successful. And it really is a great feeling when someone likes something that I had an incredible amount of fun creating. It’s awesome! So check out the site and maybe download one of my themes – I offer pretty decent support too!

The third good thing was getting to go back east for a week in June. I swear the minute the plane landed back there I felt I was home. That’s a feeling I haven’t had since I came out here to this desert wasteland. I do have some pictures that I took and will eventually get up on this site. And since I already wrote about the trip in the post Back Home Again, I won’t repeat things here.

I think maybe I’ll stop here and try, for once, to keep things light and end this hellish year on a positive note. So Happy Holidays to everyone and here’s hoping 2009 will bring some good changes.

So after I got out of work yesterday I had to run down to the reservation (about 5 miles PAST my house) for cigarettes for me and mom and I also had to go to the store for a few things including milk. At about 10:30 am my cell phone rang and it was my sister leaving a voice mail that she was going down to the house and would stop and get us milk thus saving me a trip after work. Now this is a nice gesture in itself and to be fair she at that time was not aware of the other things I needed to get so that meant I STILL had to do all the other running around. Okay fine…whatever.

Then about noon my phone rings again and as I was on a break and saw the call was again from my sister’s cell I answered it thinking that mom had told her about the other things I needed and that they were going to go out (instead of just sitting around the house) and get them for me, something I truly would have appreciated. But in reality’s cruel way it was just mom calling to tell me that after my sister got there she remembered the rest of the list and she was sorry that I still had to run errands and by the way could I add a few things to the list I already had?

The upshot is this…would it have killed my sister to say to mom that they would go and run the errands since neither one of them does anything all day anyway. No it wouldn’t have but still she didn’t want to put herself out, and mom didn’t feel comfortable asking her. That’s a fucking pathetic situation. It would have taken them no time at all whereas I (after working all day) have to fight the afternoon traffic and all the other people who are shopping after work. And I would have been thrilled.

Anyway, that’s it. I just have to hold on to my dream future where I can leave all people behind and just think about myself.

And the town…a few changes but still basically the same. Simply lovely. Small and quiet. Being there reinforced the hatred I have for where I currently am. My homesickness is more than ever now. I will go back for good someday.

I know I have lots more to say but am still overwhelmed that I can’t find the words. But it was GREAT to be there. I didn’t get as many pictures as I wanted though, I suck at remembering to have the camera at hand. Below are some of the ones that I like the most.

Sunday May 11, 2008 – 11:01am – 4:03pm = 5 hours and 2 minutes.

Unfortunately I didn’t get pictures of the whole house, just the kitchen and the enclosed front porch. Anyway, enjoy!

This view was looking out the back of my house to the apartments my landlord also owned. The interesting thing is that the first floor windows there are the apartment I lived in before I moved across the driveway into the house.

This was my kitchen. It was old and really not all that functional, but I loved it. In the little cubby on the left hand side in the second picture was a nice little pantry. And being the handy person that I am, I built the cabinet doors and the radiator cover. I also installed a new floor, beadboard on the walls and installed a screen door leading out to the enclosed back porch but unfortunately I didn’t get any of those things in any pictures. Oh and the smiley face in the last picture is my cousin who would not be all that happy about having her picture published on the web. Just so you know.

The enclosed front porch, a tiny little room but all windows that looked out at the trees. Quite the cozy place to sit. It was especially nice to sit out there at night all bundled up on the couch and watch the snow fall. Very pretty and peaceful. The floor was cement and in a moment of inspiration I bought some cement floor paint and painted a cute area rug. Again though, stupid me never got pictures. I also installed the shutters on the windows.

An atmosphere picture. That’s my Maggie sunning herself in the front window.

So I spent my Easter redoing my sister’s computer. Totally wiping 3 years worth of crap out and putting it all back again. Of course there were glitches and bumps in the road as they do insist on still using Windows, but I got it done. One of the glitches was that there was no drivers disc and I had to go searching the internet for them all. Now what gets me is if you ask me to do this for you then have some fucking faith that I know what I’m doing. When the internet didn’t immediately work my brother-in-law went into a panic because he couldn’t get his email and my sister was freaking about something with the firefox and their internet provider (still not sure what). EITHER YOU HAVE THE FAITH IN ME OR DON’T FUCKING ASK ME TO DO THIS!!!!!

To further the fun on this my sister apparently mentioned her issue to my mother who, mentioned it to me. I explained as best I could considering I didn’t even know what the problem was and mom, in wanting to help, called my sister back to tell her what I said. A fight of sorts ensued and we’re back in the shit. I can’t stand this anymore. My sister said to me that she doesn’t understand why mom always has to be in the middle of everything. Well that’s the way it’s always been and always will be. And since mom is MY responsibility she and I are a package deal. Now I really don’t like this but since it seems to be up to me to do everything for and concerning mom or taking her where she needs to go, then that’s how it is. For example because I couldn’t (because of financial and my job issues) take mom back east for the funerals of her 2 sisters and her brother, she didn’t get to go. Now if mom was a shared thing between my sister and I (as it SHOULD be), then my sister could have taken her back for at least 1 funeral. But since my sister didn’t think she had to and didn’t want to then she also believes mom is my sole responsibility as if she were my child instead of my mother.

If you read this, thank you.