To help anyone to understand just how important this is to someone like me, think about what is extremely important to you (for my sister it’s having a husband) and imagine that you could no longer have that thing…wouldn’t it make you incredibly angry that the one thing that mattered to you, the one thing that helped you get through your days was being denied? And then imagine that another person in your life is in charge of whether or not you get that thing and for how long you get it…wouldn’t you begin to resent the person that is withholding it?

The only conclusion you could come to is that YOU as person don’t matter. YOU as a person are nothing. If someone isn’t willing to really help you out when you need it, it’s because you aren’t worthwhile. You are “No One”.

But there were a few goods parts too. Yeah, I’m as amazed as anyone about that. In the beginning of the year I started a new pastime that I really think I could enjoy especially if family wasn’t interfering (yep, there’s that bad stuff again!). I’ll explain. I started creating stained glass stuff. I could really get into this as it’s an incredible feeling to watch something come to life and know that it’s because *I* made it happen. Now for the bad part…Mom insisted that I pursue this hobby out in the garage. I would have setup my workstation in the house like a real person would but having to listen to Mom go on and on about it was too much to deal with, so I setup in the garage. It’s not that that is a totally bad place to do something like this but it means that here in the boiling pit of hell that I live in I can’t work on anything in the summer months (which out here is about 6 months long)…it’s just too fucking hot. And there is also the thing about Mom starting her usual panic rant about money anytime I say I want to buy more glass. So yeah, that shit does take some of the passion out of things. But in the short time that I was able to work on stained glass I created something that I am really proud of (see image on right). This is something I hope to continue with.

The second good thing came out of having to take a break from the the first good thing – the stained glass stuff. Since I couldn’t work on the stained glass during the summer months, in August I started creating themes for WordPress to be distributed publicly thru my new site The Cloisters. Much to my pleasure and surprise, my themes are fairly successful. And it really is a great feeling when someone likes something that I had an incredible amount of fun creating. It’s awesome! So check out the site and maybe download one of my themes – I offer pretty decent support too!

The third good thing was getting to go back east for a week in June. I swear the minute the plane landed back there I felt I was home. That’s a feeling I haven’t had since I came out here to this desert wasteland. I do have some pictures that I took and will eventually get up on this site. And since I already wrote about the trip in the post Back Home Again, I won’t repeat things here.

I think maybe I’ll stop here and try, for once, to keep things light and end this hellish year on a positive note. So Happy Holidays to everyone and here’s hoping 2009 will bring some good changes.

In the same article there were what I think were supposed to be “oh pity me” sob stories but I have zero sympathy for these people, in fact I feel rage since they are examples of the problem. The first story was about a 26 year old woman who bought a 750 sq ft house for $132,000.00 with only $2,000.00 down with a sub prime loan. She’s paying 13% interest! Someone like her should NOT have bought a house nor should any bank have given her a loan. She now will most likely lose her house.

The second situation was an older woman who bought a house with no money down for a monthly mortgage of $1,400.00 a month. The stupid fucking cow only made $2,000.00 a month from 2 jobs, one she has since lost. Another foreclosure in the making.

I think we should take all the banks that gave people like these women loans and string them up. It’s criminal.

Yeah. If that doesn’t suck big time I don’t know what does.

Well that crap was bad enough but I also got dinged for my quality being slightly lower that it should but no mention of the fact that I talked to them about that exact issue a few times saying it was because of all the bullshit going on around me. The fact that since I’ve been moved to a different seat my quality is back up above where it should be apparently holds no weight. The final result is that my raise was a paltry sum although according to them it’s not bad considering their high end of raises (for the UNbeautiful people that is) is insulting in itself.

It just angers me that the only thing I ever had which was my work reputation, is gone. I have nothing anymore. Well maybe that’s good because if you have nothing then you lose nothing when the whole fucking show is over. Makes the end easier, no?

But back to the original point of this entry – the cleaning out of all my stuff. I’m doing it because, as I’ve already said, these “things” don’t mean anything to me anymore. Whenever I look at the things now, they just hurt. Hurt because they are the life I used to have and will never have again. The people in my life have helped cause that. I didn’t really think I could hate anymore than I already did…but I can and do thanks to them and their selfishness. If people would play what I call the “What If” game once in a while things could be a little better. The what if game is simple. In any situation ask yourself “what if”. For example, my mother moved in with me almost 6 years ago and is always there. She never gets out unless I take her except for a maybe once a month afternoon at bingo when my sister feels like it. Now if my sister would ask herself “What if the situation were reversed and mom was up MY ass 24/7, would an hour and a half of alone time a month be enough for me?” she might take mom for a night or two once in a blue moon so I could regroup myself (the last time she did this was over 2 years ago I think). But she won’t and I really am resenting the fact that where mom is concerned I might as well be an only child. It’s just not fair. I have to work all day (my sister doesn’t) and when I come home I have to be “on” and spend time with mom because she’s bored and lonely. Again, it’s not fair and it’s killed whatever relationship I had with my sister. We will never be the same again and that’s sad because I always thought she was the one good thing in my life. Finding out that that was all an illusion was a disapointment that hit very hard. She wants her life to be her way (don’t we all?!?) and when you have family there always has to be concessions. Except where me and mom are concerned I guess. So as far as I’m concerned she can have her life exactly as she wants it. When mom is gone, so am I. No fake holiday get togethers or any of that. Of course it’s questionable if I even make it that far which brings me back around to the reason for getting rid of all my stuff.

I think my mother and sister are worried that I might be planning to kill myself. Well actually I was and am still holding it as an option. I’m waiting to see if this plan I’m putting into action will pay off and provide me with the independance I need to be able to disappear to wherever I want after mom is gone. If it doesn’t, then I end it because continuing life with the outlook I have now is NOT an option. So jettisoning all my worldly possessions will make my escape so much easier. And that’s where we are. So now I have to go to work and deal with everything there, then come home (which sometimes makes me physically sick) and deal with everything here. And according to them I’m supposed to be happy with this. Well I’m not and the only thing I can think of to say right now is FUCK YOU!!!!!

Thank you and goodbye.

I’m currently putting a plan into action where I will be able to just go off by myself to pretty much anywhere I choose and not have to be bothered or be a bother to anyone anymore. I can’t live as a “sometimes” for anybody and there will be a point where I won’t have to ever again. They bother when it suits them…FUCK THAT! If you can’t be there for me when I really need you to be then don’t feel obligated to bother at all. ‘Kay?

That’s the point I’m at and it sort of disgusts and saddens me that I feel that way. But what can you do, we’re all out for ourselves and that includes me.