I know it’s been more than a month since I’ve posted anything. I didn’t have anything good to say and way to much bad stuff to say so I just didn’t say anything. But now I’m here so…

Things of course have gotten worse. My thoughts and feelings are really beyond my control these days. My anger is constant and just below the surface and I’m having a very hard time keeping it there. It started showing itself a bit more than I’d like at work and that’s been causing me much trouble. I’ve been keeping my mouth shut like a good little girl but the things my mind is coming up with are frightening. Frightening in the fact that I like it not that I fear it. I revel in the visions of all the stupid motherfuckers I come across in everyday life and in the street all mutilated and bloody, knowing they are that way because I made them that way. I hurt THEM. I find that calming…Is that wrong?

Unfortunately that calm feeling only lasts a little while then the need to actually make those visions reality takes over. Of course I don’t act on it, at least not with them but I want to so badly. Ah well bitching and moaning never got me anything good so I guess I should turn over a new leaf, yeah? Stop and smell the roses maybe…NOT! No one gives me a break, no one thinks about me at all so I don’t feel the need to extend that courtesy to them and I won’t anymore. I’ll put me first and I’ll do for me. Everyone else can go fuck themselves for their self-centeredness (is that a word?) and their selfishness. Whatever will they all do when I’m no longer around to be the whipping boy. To be the one who takes the shit and gets the short end of the stick so they can all feel good about themselves. I won’t do them that favor forever but they don’t even give a thought to the fact that I just might have my limits and that I have reached said limit and will take whatever steps I need to to put a stop to it. And there won’t be a fucking thing they can do to stop me. They have no control over that, that is mine alone.

And the icing on the cake? I got me a fucking cold. Life sucks then you die…sometimes just not soon enough.

I’m not the only one miserable in this desert hellhole. An article in BusinessWeek has listed my city as the 18th Unhappiest City in America. And I believe it, this is one nasty place.

Overall rank: 18
Depression rank: 24
Suicide rank: 3
Crime (property and violent) rank: 27
Divorce rate rank: 10
Unemployment rate (December 2008 – higher now): 6.9%

Everytime I’m out of mom’s sight, she has to come looking for me. And when she finds me she always asks “Where were you?”. That pisses me off more than I can say. It’s a small house and anyone with half a brain that knows me, knows I’m not gonna be out anywhere so…where the fuck do you think I am. Seriously.