So yeah, I had another breakdown at work yesterday and this one was a little bit more public. My paranoia level is through the roof, especially at work since I’ve been called in twice (actually 3 times – the first was a private “heads up” talk with my former supervisor) about people complaining about me.

The short version is that I was in my car before work freaking out and trying to blow off some steam before going in for the day. Someone pulled up behind me, leaving their lights on and shining into my mirror and my face. As I was already screaming about my latest drama I (after several minutes of being blinded) turned around and looked. Almost immediately the lights went off but the person stayed in their car for a while. When they finally got out I noticed it was a lead from my department. When she walked through the gate I noticed she specifically looked down the lot towards my car. Right away the panic set in that she heard me and will now go report me and I’ll get hauled in to HR again, possibly getting written up again this time. I went upstairs to start my work but couldn’t stop the tears and the panic. I asked my supervisor to make an appointment for me with the same HR lady I talked to last time.

So I went at the appointed time and explained the situation to her. I told her quite a bit of how things are lately, such as how I no longer will even look at or speak to anyone for fear of inadvertently offending them. I am constantly in fear of something happening. She seemed distressed at this FOR me, not at me and I take this as a good sign. After our talk she took me to a private room so I could calm myself down and told me to take as much time as I needed and to take a break if I needed and not worry about my idle time or production as she would talk to my supervisor and smooth things over. So an hour and 15 minutes and 2 cigarettes later I went back to work, still on the verge of tears but feeling a little better inside knowing that my head wasn’t on the chopping block. I still need to watch myself though and it scares me that my control has slipped yet again.

I guess that wasn’t such a short version. Oh well, sorry. As it’s Friday, I’m off for another day. Hopefully the thoughts of a 3 day weekend will help to keep me calm.

So I got hauled in to Human Resources for another talking to about my attitude yesterday.

This incident occurred at the gate as we were leaving for the day. Some girl (I think I know who she is) went to the HR manager lady and complained that one day while trying to exit the gate her car stalled and I was behind her gesturing and “saying bad things” (apparently she could read my lips – yeah right!) and the upshot was that she was very scared (GOOD!!!!!). She thought I was upset because her car stalled so I calmly explained to the Hr manager lady and my department head that I was upset about the fact that before she could get to the gate and stall out her car, she had come flying out of a side aisle without looking almost hitting me (I love how she didn’t tell them THAT part). THAT was what I was upset about, not that her car stalled.

So I have to ask again…what is with this “running and tattling to mommy and daddy” mentality we seem to have cultivated in our society these days. When I was a kid you were taught to fight your own battles. And haven’t any of these people today ever heard of the old “Sticks and Stones” saying? I know some think that I’m doing the same whining here and I am, but the difference is that here I’m not fucking with someone’s life. I’m not going to cause someone to lose their job because I think I’m all that and should be treated with kid gloves.

Anyway, we had pretty much the same talk as before…me explaining that there is too much stress in my life right now between home and work. Of course my department head tried to convince me that all this mandatory overtime (yes, 6 hours again this coming Saturday) was actually part of the job. No I beg to differ. My job is full time and according to the agreement I signed when I took the job that entails 40 hours a week, 8 hours a day Monday thru Friday. Period.

The upside here was that I was not put on corrective action this time, apparently I’m an excellent employee in every other respect, but it was STRONGLY suggested that I call the behavioral health hotline and get myself straightened out. And I actually agree with this. I know I need help and I want it. So that’s what I’m going to have to do. I’ll keep you informed.

Work is back with the mandatory overtime shit again so there goes any small amount of time I have for things. And just when I’m starting a new “give me freedom from the corporate world” venture. I am determined to break out of this mold that requires me to bow and scrape to others for a paycheck. More details on my new thing soon – like when everyone else has decided I can have a minute for me.